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problems. Something bigger than your feelings—or your past—is at work. Stop taking things so personally. Be less defensive and more curious. Pay more attention to what’s going on. This makes it easier to turn things around. If you’re reading this, you’ve already started.
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    IDEAS TO PONDER
     

Normal people have sexual desire problems.
There is always a low desire partner and a high desire partner. They are positions partners take in every relationship, whether about sex, intimacy, doing household chores, or visiting relatives.
The low desire partner always controls sex.
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2

Since Your “Self” Showed Up, Sexual Desire Hasn’t Been the Same
     
    I n Chapter 1 we discovered there’s always a low desire partner (and a high desire partner), and the low desire partner always controls sex. Why and how did humans evolve this curious trait, giving the low desire partner control? By the end of this chapter we’ll answer this question and consider what it means for your relationship.
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Doreen and Adam
     
    To get us started, let me introduce you to a couple that, like many couples, had fallen out of love. Sitting in my office, Doreen lamented, “Adam says he has no romantic feelings or sexual desire for me anymore. He doesn’t think they can be rekindled. We love each other, but there’s no passion. We used to have sex twice a week. Now we have sex once a month—and only when I initiate it. I miss the way things used to be at the start of our relationship.”
    Adam defended himself. “We used to have good sex, but the chemistry is gone. I can’t make myself feel what I don’t feel any more. I love Doreen, but I’m not in love with her.”
    I said, “I can’t count the times I’ve heard this from couples. Like them, this upsets you. It makes sense that it would. At least you feel you have something to rekindle. People who never had it to begin with think they’re worse off.”
    “Well, that’s not much solace,” Doreen replied. “I don’t feel important to Adam. Besides, he’s the man. He’s supposed to have the higher desire and initiate sex. This isn’t normal.” Adam bristled but said nothing. He felt outgunned in their arguments.
    “In half the couples who seek my help, the man is the low desire partner, so you look pretty normal to me. But regardless of who the low desire partner is, couples fear that once passion and desire die it is gone forever. Most clients are pleased to find out they were wrong.”
    Adam perked up. “How did you help them?”
    “I helped them approach sexual desire problems with an entirely new picture about how things work. You and Doreen think this shouldn’t be happening. But sexual desire problems are natural and inevitable.”
    Doreen was primed for verbal combat. “If sexual problems were natural and inevitable,” she crowed, “the human race would have died out.” I paused and gentled my tone, signaling that I would work with her, but I would not argue with her.
    “You’re thinking of sexual desire as mating and procreating. It takes a while to get over that. You need patience to stay open and alert to a new way of seeing things. I’ve found sexual desire problems can be the
midpoint
rather than the
end
of a relationship. When you understand this, you’ll stop feeling unloved, and you’ll watch your interactions with Adam differently.”
    Doreen eased off, and she and Adam settled down.
    “You
can’t
go back to the romantic love you shared early in your relationship.” I continued, “But that’s not the problem. You need to
go forward
. That’s what everyone needs to do: Your sexual desire has to come from an entirely new source. Lots of people find this more satisfying than what they had before.”
    This possibility had never occurred to Doreen. “Well, why can’t we rekindle what we had at the start of our relationship? I read ‘rekindling’ articles all the time. If Adam spent more time with me—and we had more sex—maybe that