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having. At the same time, I thought it was a dick move because he should be spending the day trying to make up for what he’d done. Karen dropped me at my apartment, and Noah went his own way. And I did the only thing I had the energy for.
    I stared at the underside of Stacy’s bunk. Stuck between the rails, under her mattress, were the only mementos that weren’t in the trashcan. A crispy dead daffodil Noah picked for me out of one of the many flower beds on campus and a couple Good Morning, sorry I had to go so early notes that I’d found on my pillow the few times he slept over while pledging. The tears slid past my temples, and I longed for the guy I thought he was. The guy no one else knew until he fell in love with me. I closed my eyes, my body aching from exhaustion. Before I knew it, I was back in the kitchen at Murphy’s making plans with a new friend.

    July, Summer Before Sophomore Year

    “What are you doing tomorrow night?” Noah passed me with a large stack of pizza pans headed to the sinks.
    Noah and I had been working together for a couple weeks. We got along and he made me laugh. He certainly wasn’t scary. I’d even started to look forward to working with him. Even Joel realized Marie had obviously been exaggerating and was more comfortable with us working together. Noah wasn’t the monster she had made him out to be.
    “Nothing really. Joel works, so…”
    “Well, it’s the Fourth of July. You want to go see the fireworks?”
    Somehow, both Noah and I had it off, and he just asked me out. I rationalized, friends do stuff together, right? So, it wouldn’t be a big deal. Joel wouldn’t care. Noah was just a work friend. The fireworks were out in the middle of nowhere and people from McKenzie rarely headed that way. The major shopping and recreational things to do were in every other direction so I knew I’d be safe from any gossip.
    “Sure! Sounds like fun!”
    The rest of the night we were slammed with hungry patrons of the McKenzie Street Fair, and quite honestly, by the time we walked out to our cars that night, I had forgotten all about the fireworks. “Hey, give me your phone.” Noah’s car was parked next to mine behind Murphy’s.
    “What?”
    “Your phone. I want to trade numbers so I can text you tomorrow about times and stuff.”
    “Oh, right. Fireworks. Got it.”
    Noah was so laid back about it that I left the parking lot that night not at all stressed to tell Joel about my plans with him.
    Although Joel seemed a bit uneasy about my plans with Noah, he didn’t get mad. He was so calm and reserved as I explained Noah’s invitation. He agreed that it shouldn’t be an issue, but I thought I heard a tinge of sadness in his voice that night.

    The next night, Noah picked me up after dinner, which made it less like a date, and we drove to a big, wide-open field off the beaten path. When we got out of the car, Noah continued talking about some prank he and his roommate, Jake, pulled on their RA freshman year. I laughed at the thought of trying to fill a dorm hallway with popcorn and followed him around to the back of the car where he was digging in the trunk for something.
    A blanket. Aww, he brought a blanket. Or was it always in his trunk? Maybe it’s what he uses when he womanizes all the women. Stop.
    Growing up, my very conservative mom made my sister and I well aware that if you stayed away from all things “bedroom,” you would find it easier to save yourself for marriage. When boyfriends came over, the rules were strict—no blankets on the couch, no lying on laps, and definitely no snuggling in a horizontal position. So, my “bed linen” alarm went into freak mode.
    Stop it. It’s to sit on, not hump on. We will be watching fireworks, not porn! A couple deep breaths and I had regained my composure.
    “This okay?” Noah stopped on a part of the field with a large patch of thick grass and weeds. It wasn’t secluded, but we weren’t right on top of any families,