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interpretation.  
Area Code  
Three digits: each one to nine. First rates the girl’s face, second her body, and third overall.  
Most detailed.  
Most complicated; borders on doing math.  
Binary  
Two choices: zero or one. One means “go for it,” zero means “don’t.”  
Simplest.  
Only works if both parties have seen the girl in question. (You can’t call your buddy the next day and brag about banging a one.)  
Beer-Intake Scale  
How many beers it would take me to hook up with her; the lower the better.  
Combines alcohol with ogling.  
Drinking said amount of beers may render the possibility of hooking up moot.  
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    It is considered uncouth for a guy to reveal to a woman her rating. But if a girl somehow comes across this delicate information, it’s important that she know which system is being used to rate her. For instance, if she overhears a guy telling his friends that she’s a three, she might get really upset. But that’s only bad if he’s rating her from one to ten. Instead, he may be using the Beer-Intake Scale. Under that methodology, three is pretty good. Unless the dude is a real lightweight, in which case she doesn’t want to be messing with him anyway.
    Unfortunately, the various systems are not really compatible. It’s sort of like Celsius and Fahrenheit. You can convert Area Code to Binary, but it’s a complicated formula and, quite frankly, who has the time? There are, however, many subtleties and nuances to a girl’s rating. For instance, an accent always adds at least one point (notwithstanding those from New York’s outer boroughs). I was out to dinner with the boys once and our waitress was British. We spent most of the meal giggling like schoolgirls whenever she spoke and then we left about a 45 percent tip. Shortly thereafter, I was at a wedding and met a girl with a really thick Southern accent. I couldn’t tell you what she looks like, but I do know that I love her.
    Another variable is geography. Some regions of the country just have better-looking women. A nine in LA is much better than a nine in Minneapolis. A “true Miami eight” is essentially a 9.5 in Boston. This is the same reason why attractive women in smaller or cold weather cities get more attention—there’s less competition. Moral of the story: if you’re hot in Omaha, don’t move.
    TENS
     
    When bachelors on the prowl set their sights high, they’re looking for the Holy Grail of women—a perfect ten. At first I thought this was just a myth. A girl with a perfect body and perfect face couldn’t really exist this side of Megan Fox, could she? I’d performed stand-up in nearly every major American city, but still had not found this elusive bounty. And then I moved to Los Angeles. Bingo.
    I’ve been to fairly low-key bars in LA and still had trouble keeping track of how many “tens” were in the room. It’s absurd. I’m not saying I hook up with them, or even talk to them. In fact, I’m saying I don’t and I can’t. But I’m strangely comforted by the fact that someone must be. Recently I was at a party in Hollywood—hammered—and found myself talking to this ten I had no shot with. I stumbled to the bathroom and, when I returned, resumed the conversation. After a few minutes, I realized that this was actually a different girl. LA has got to be the only place on earth where you can be talking to a ten, and then turn around and start talking to another fucking ten! (And have them both hate you equally.)
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    FURTHER ENRICHMENT
     
    The International Bureau of Weights and Measures is a real organization, based in Paris, that maintains the official one-kilogram brick and one-meter stick. These are the standards upon which all measurements in the world are based.
    Allegedly, in that same little room, next to the brick and the stick, sits a ridiculously hot woman. She’s the official perfect ten—the international benchmark for hotness. Her name is Sandra. And you