Read If You Still Want Me for Free Online Page A

distance and have him love me as his best friend
than have us getting physical for the wrong reasons.
    If it's one thing I've learned working at
Brandon's club, it's that sex is sex and love is love, and you
can't mix-up the two without it being a problem. You can only have
platonic sex with someone you're actually in love with for so long
before it becomes toxic to both of you. You can't force someone to
fall in love with you by having sex with them. In the heat of the
moment, you also can't hide how you really feel.
    I'm so in love with that boy, I know the moment
we'd fall into bed together, he'd see it. I'd feel the lie; the
bitter ache from the understanding it could never be what I really
want it to be. Even if Victoria was there to share our love for
Saul. Even if I closed my eyes. Even if Saul said he loved me,
too.
    He does love me, and I didn't argue Victoria
about that. I think she's wrong about other things, though. I don't
think Saul can love anyone but her in that way, and I don't think I
could ever be more than a best friend to his heart.
    I've seen threesomes at the club, and I got no
problem with them. When it works, it's beautiful - three people
with love in their eyes.
    When it doesn't work, it's the most horrific
falling out I've ever witnessed. Three lives torn apart in an
instant - all three left changed, alone, uncertain and afraid.
    Usually, it's a jealousy issue where one feels
less loved than the other two. Like a 'third wheel' syndrome or
something. I don't want to be the third wheel to the relationship
they've spent a whole life building. I don't want to be the wheel
that topples the whole cart, sending it careening over the side of
a cliff into a fiery crash with limbs and hearts blown apart
everywhere.
    Alright, so maybe that's a bit much, but it's
how I feel. It's what scares me to death when I look at them. It's
what keeps me up at night. It's what has me running across the
state to go hide in El Paso.
    I don't particularly like El Paso.
    Not exactly fond of that cousin who lives out
there, either.
    Shit. I've done dug myself in deep again. You'd
think after having manure piled high up to my throat so many times
I'd learn to stay out of it.
    Maybe I could find a place around here, or move
in with my sister for a bit and continue working with Brandon's
horses. If I'm not around on Fridays, chances of me running into
Saul are slim. Unless, of course, Sarah doesn't let him back in,
then he might be staying with Brandon on a more permanent
basis.
    It's kinda funny, and pretty damn sad, how alike
Saul and I are. We're both dependent on others for a place to hang
our hats. We're both failing miserably at the whole concept of
growing up and becoming self-sufficient adults. We're both
floundering.
    "There you are!" Saul bounces into the barn with
a broad smile on his lips and his platinum blonde hair lit by the
sun.
    Floundering doesn't even begin to describe what
the sight of that boy does to my insides. I'm happy to see him
smiling again, though it makes me a little nervous. His gorgeous
green eyes have that mischievous spark in them that has my heart
flipping while all my blood plummets southward.
    It leaves me light-headed and struggling for a
steady response. "Hey, man, what's up?"
    "Was wonderin' if yer gonna be stickin' 'round
for the party tonight, is all. Since Vickie aint here, I figure we
could maybe hang out, or somethin'? I can't leave, 'case Brandon
needs me, but..."
    He stops and I open my mouth, but he stops me
with a raised hand. I don't think I've ever seen him looking so set
on something before, so I let him finish.
    "I know yer leavin'. I think it's stupid, but
yer my best friend, an' I just wanna spend some time with you,
alright? I wont bring up none 'a what happened last week or you
leavin', I swear."
    Hay-scented air floods my lungs as I take moment
to consider. He appears hopeful but a touch worried I'll say no.
More than anything, it seems like he misses me. How can I