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stuff, okay?
    DEILIA: You just said it yourself! Next weekend is THIS weekend. Why are you so upset???
    BRIAN: EXACTLY. On Monday you said weekend after next.
    DEILIA: Yes I did. Which meant not this weekend, not NEXT weekend but the weekend AFTER NEXT.
    BRIAN: The NEXT weekend from this past Monday was THIS weekend.
    DEILIA: Nope. That was this weekend. On Monday you would say “this weekend I’m going to go to the movies,” right?
    BRIAN: This weekend is the next weekend unless you are already in the weekend.
    DEILIA: No. When you are talking about the weekend coming up, you say “this weekend.” If you were talking about the previous weekend, you say “this past weekend.”
    BRIAN: “Next” means “closest future thing,” especially on Monday. DEILIA: No.
    BRIAN: You have like a whole week in between.
    DEILIA: You are a moron. This weekend is this week’s weekend.
    BRIAN: At the beginning of the week, what is the very next weekend?
    DEILIA: This weekend.
    BRIAN: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    DEILIA: I want to kill myself right now.
    BRIAN: I want to kill you right now. If this weekend is next weekend, then next weekend is weekend after next. That’s how language works.
    DEILIA: NO! On Monday I refer to this weekend. So if I was talking about two weeks out I would say weekend after next!
    BRIAN: You just said that the very next weekend after Monday was this weekend. It’s documented.
    DEILIA: YES!
    BRIAN: Scroll up.
    DEILIA: So weekend after NEXT is not that weekend, not NEXT weekend but the one AFTER!
    BRIAN: If THIS weekend is the NEXT weekend from the beginning of the week, then AT the beginning of the week when you say WEEKEND AFTER NEXT it means what it means.
    DEILIA: I don’t say NEXT weekend on MONDAY, I say THIS WEEKEND.
    BRIAN: Then why did you say that the next weekend from Monday was this weekend?
    DEILIA: Because it is the NEXT weekend in LINE which is referred to as THIS weekend.
    BRIAN: So that makes it NEXT WEEKEND.
    DEILIA: NO!!! If you were asking me out on a date on Tuesday what would you say?
    BRIAN: I am sooo glad we aren’t doing this verbally.
    DEILIA: Me too.
    BRIAN: We were not talking about Tuesday, we were talking about Monday.
    DEILIA: So on Monday . . . you wouldn’t say “Want to go out this weekend?”
    BRIAN: I would never ask anyone out on a date that early in the week. That seems desperate as hell.
    DEILIA: Because you know I’M RIGHT!!! I win.
    BRIAN: It IS my fault. For not understanding that you don’t think logically.
    DEILIA

CHAPTER TWO
    Sleep in Heavenly Peace,
My Ass
    Do you know what it means when you have a man
lying in bed next to you moaning and gasping?
It means you didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
     
• JOKE SO OLD MY DINOSAUR TOLD IT TO ME THE FIRST TIME •
     
     
    If I were an Eskimo and the Huffington Post were selling ice, I’d still buy it by the igloofull. I can’t help it; I’m a sucker for headlines like GWYNETH PALTROW ENLISTS PERSONAL TRAINER TO FIX HER SAGGING ASS and TIGER’S PENIS ISSUES REBUTTAL. I mean, honestly. If you can resist getting sucked in by stories like those, you’re a stronger woman than I am. So anyway, I was lurking around over there a few weeks back trolling for my daily fix, and because I am writing a book about marriage, you can imagine how excited I was to see this: THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE: SEPARATE BEDS? I DOUBT IT. The skepticism at the end was the part that hooked me, because frankly I’ve given the separate-beds idea a lot of thought and I’m pretty sure it could be the answer to domestic bliss, at least between the hours of ten P.M. and six A.M.
    The author of this particular piece, Dr. Michael J. Breus—also known as the Sleep Doctor, according to his byline—began by enumerating the countless terrifying ways that sharing a bed with a particularly disruptive partner actually can be hazardous to your health. Then he went on to list the many and compelling