Read I Could Pee on This for Free Online

I think I finally figured out
    how to bill you
    And I’m about to make a fortune

DID YOU KNOW
    Did you know?
    Did you see?
    Did you count?
    How many times
    I had to smack that moth
    On your forehead
    With my paw?
    It was like a thousand
    He’s dead now, though
    Definitely dead
    One more smack
    You’re welcome

NINE LIVES
    The first life is for running
    The second life is for staring
    The third life is for climbing
    The fourth life is for tearing
    The fifth life is for sleeping
    The sixth life is for sleeping
    The seventh life is for sleeping
    The eighth life is for sleeping
    The ninth life is for writing my memoirs

I RUN
    I run across the room
    I race across the floor
    I dash to this wall
    I thought I saw something
    I forgot what it was
    Now everyone is staring at me
    So I run back across the room
    I race back across the floor
    I dash back to that other wall
    So everyone will think
    I’m just running laps

TRIPPED
    I’m sorry I tripped you in the hall
    I’m sorry I tripped you in the den
    I’m sorry I tripped you in the bedroom
    I’m sorry I tripped you in the kitchen
    I’m sorry I tripped you in the attic
    I’m sorry I tripped you in the basement
    I’m sorry I tripped you out the door
    I’m sorry I tripped you on hard cement
    But some men paid me five grand to kill you

WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER
    I cleaned the floor
    With your sweater back and forth
    I cleared the table
    With a few whips of my tail
    I dusted your shelves
    Of all the knickknacks you kept
    I made your bed
    Smell a lot more like me
    I’m here to help
    I want to do my part
    After all, we’re all in this together

CALL ME
    You can
    Gall me
    “Muffins”
    All you want
    But ‘til
    You add
    “Sir”
    At the start
    I’m not turning my head

CHICKEN AND RICE
    Chicken and rice for the first day
    Chicken and rice for the second day
    Chicken and rice for the third day
    Chicken and rice for the fourth day
    Chicken and rice for the fifth day
    Chicken and rice for the sixth day
    Lamb and rice today
    And just like that my world crumbles

AND NOW WE KNOW
    Nine-hundred-and-ninety-five
    I’m doing this for you
    Nine-hundred-and-ninety-six
    So please don’t interrupt
    Nine-hundred-and-ninety-seven
    I’m just keeping them honest
    Nine-hundred-and-ninety-eight
    So please do take note
    Nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine
    And now thanks to me we all know
    There really were one thousand sheets
    in this toilet paper roll

KNEEL BEFORE ME
    In ancient Egypt
    We cats were gods
    We ruled the heavens
    We reigned on earth
    So kneel before me
    I said come to me
    Uh, listen to me
    How about just a treat then?
    Okay, maybe a toy
    Some crumpled paper would do
    I’m not picky
    Well, can you at least scratch
    behind my ear?
    Can you at least do that?
    Oh
    Oh yes
    You serve your master well

CHAPTER 3
PLAY
    Life is a hallway
    Meant to be explored
    One barely head-sized hole at a time
    CAT ADAGE

NUDGE
    Nudge
    Nudge nudge nudge
    Nudge nudge nudge nudge nudge nudge
    Nudge
    Your glass just shattered on the floor

TINY BOXES
    Tiny boxes
    Play and hide
    Tiny boxes
    Squeeze inside
    Tiny boxes
    Oozy here
    Tiny boxes
    Paw in ear
    Tiny boxes
    Stuck
    STUCK
    STUCK!!!
    Tiny boxes
    Little help?

KITTEN
    HOLY [censored], THAT BALL CAN BOUNCE!
    GET THE [deleted] OUT OF HERE,
    THIS STRING IS GREAT!
    SON OF A [removed], I CAN RUN SO FAST!
    NO [banned] WAY, I JUST BROKE THAT PLATE!
    WHAT THE [edited], DID YOU SEE ME JUMP?!
    WELL [forbidden] ME, I’M CAUGHT IN A JAR
    MOTHER [bleep], I SHOWED THAT LAMP!
    OH [cut] NO, THERE GOES YOUR GUITAR!
    UN-[denied]-BELIEVABLE,
    I CAN CLIMB YOUR LEGS!
    NO [blocked] LIE,
    I CAN DISTRESS YOUR FLOOR!
    FOR [erased] SAKES, ISN’T MY LIFE GRAND?!
    SO [censored] SAD I’M A KITTEN
    FOR JUST SIX MONTHS MORE!

SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE DOGS
    Some of my best friends are dogs
    We talk about dog things
    Some of my cat friends don’t get it
    We laugh at their fear
    The dogs see me as one of their own
    True, they don’t like it when I bark
    Or play dead
    Or chew their