that, Addie. I don’t care about what he said about you. Being a stripper still wouldn’t have stopped me from being with you. I meant what he said about me is not a lie.”
The intensity of his words hit me and I staggered back a bit. “Maybe you could offer more of an explan a tion, because I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Addie, I am married. Her name is Helen. Right no w, my home is on fire. I intentionally requested a transfer to Baltimore for the research so that I could take a break from home.” He passed his hand through his already rumpled hair. “When I married He l en, she was an incredible woman. But all of a sudden, she changed. She started to hate everything I did. When I teased her, she found it insul t ing. When I said anything sarcastic, she thought I was not taking her seriously. When I played pranks on her, she thought I was just messing with her. But I couldn’t change, b e cause that is how I love.” He paused a little and for the first time since he started explaining himself, he stared into my eyes. “But then I came to Baltimore and I met you. You loved everything about me. When I teased you, you teased me back. When I said anything sarcastic, you laughed it off. And even when I played my stupid pranks on you, you e n joyed it. I began to feel at peace with you and I realized that you are probably the only woman who will be able to love me just the way I am.” He leaned closer to me and held my gaze a little longer. “Addie, I wasn’t sure if I loved you. I didn’t know if I loved you or if you are just the embodiment of what I wanted Helen to be. It would be unfair to you if I stayed with you with this uncertai n ty. That was why I said it wouldn’t work if we attempted to start a relationship. Addie, I’m sorry, but I have to go back to New York and try to make things right with Helen. I have to try to change for Helen. If she can’t accept me the way I am, then maybe it’s time I accepted her for who she is. I know I can do that. You taught me that, Addie. You taught me how to love people for who they are.”
I didn’t know what to say. I simply left and drove toward home, grief and heartache overwhelming me. I had lost a dear friend, Max, and I had also lost the man I fell in love with, Cleve. I feared that because I had lost everything, I had nothing to live for.
However, my life was not finished, it only seemed that way. I tried to console myself. Yet as I tried, I felt an empty void inside of me.
I had only known Cleve for a little while, but even though it was a short time, it was… I lacked the word to express how it felt.
I couldn’t blame either Max or Cleve for any of their actions. It was my fault. I should have known that Max loved me all this time. I should have seen it, but I didn’t. Love stood in front of me the whole time and I didn’t see it. And Cleve, I should have known better than to fall cheaply for him. It was my entire fault and I broke my heart.
As I continued to drive toward my house, I rea l ized it was my actions that caused my grief and depre s sion. I made up my mind, right then and there, that I would choose the men to give my love to with greater care and I would never settle again, just because I was lonely.
First, I would learn to love myself. Once that happened, I would find the man of my dreams and he would be there to love me in the way that I deserved. If that meant being alone for a while, then so be it.
Watch out for Volume 2 titled, I Broke His Heart.
Stefan Zweig, Anthea Bell