Read I blame the scapegoats for Free Online

think parents should be
allowed to give their kids a little smack?' most people answered, 'No, maybe
just a bit of crack cocaine every now and then.'
    Of
course smacking has only been the symptom of a historical problem - this ruling
will do nothing to prevent the recurrent breakdown of negotiations between
adults and their offspring. If the
    Scottish
government is ruling out the use of force, then clearly more efforts will have
to be made on the diplomatic front. The first step should be sporting
sanctions. Parents will continue to play football with their children but they
will no longer be prepared to let their kids always win. 'And the final score
here from Jamie's back garden: Dad twenty-seven, little Jamie nil! And the
six-year-old must surely be wishing now that he hadn't been rude to grandma
back when he was four.' Games of hide and seek will be much quicker as parents
find their children in under three seconds. 'It's no good crying, Ellie; you've
hidden behind that curtain four times in a row - of course I was going to look
there first.' Because if punishment is not to be physical then it will have to
be psychological. 'Night night, Rosie. And darling, you know you were scared
that there was a great big bear that lived behind the cupboard on the landing?
Well, you're right, there is: a huge fierce one with big sharp teeth and long
claws! Anyway, sweet dreams, darling.' Other sanctions will include seizure of
all comfort blankets and being honest about how crap their drawings are.
    Eventually the civilized example of Scotland will
spread to the rest of the country, if only because government ministers find it
impossible to negotiate with children's representatives. 'At Downing Street
today, talks have broken down between the pre-school children and the
government. A draft proposal was put before the toddlers, but they reacted by
scribbling on it and then putting it in and out of the water jug. When
ministers objected, the two-year-olds lay on the floor kicking and screaming
and then fell asleep on the rug.'
    Before
Westminster is prepared to follow the Scottish example, more concessions must
be made by young children. If no violence is to be used against toddlers, then
they must undertake not to climb into bed at two in the morning and kick their
dads in the bollocks. And it is no good them merely promising not to strike
their little sisters with the plastic sword; their arms must be put permanently
beyond use. Super-soakers, spud guns, sharp bits of Lego left beside the bed -
all these weapons must be decommissioned before the peace process can really
proceed. But eventually it will be illegal to give a child a light slap on the
back of the hand (unless they are Iraqi kids of course; you'll still be allowed
to drop bombs on them).
    In
the meantime, if you are tempted to strike a child in anger, they say you
should make yourself count to ten first. This either prevents you from using
violence or results in your child growing up into a neurotic adult with an
irrational fear of double figures. All parents will know that there are times
when it feels as if smacking your child is the only possible response - like
when your seven-year-old son announces that he supports Manchester United. But
even if a quick slap seems to work in the short term, there has to be a better
way of punishing them. Wait till they're teenagers and meet them at school in
purple checked golfing trousers. Visit them at university wearing a fur coat
and a tiara. Wait till they have kids of their own and give your grandchildren
a slush-puppy and a king-size Mars bar before they go on the big dipper. And
keep endlessly telling your kids, 'We never smacked you as a child, and that's
why you're not a violent person.' And then our grown-up children will say, 'I
know I shouldn't really hit my parents, but sometimes it's the only thing that
works.'
     

They've
run out of IDS
     
    22
September 2001
     
     
    There's
a sign on the wall of Broadmoor Prison