get over the braces when she starts to say something terrible about a girl in a tube top. No, braces wonât help her
Mean
self, oreven her
Sarcastic
self. Somewhere around the ponds, I start to hear the Ellen that no one else gets to. Sheâs using more than one word now, and most of them are funny. Itâs out here I remember that Ellen is great, once you get past being afraid of her, sheâs hilarious. Only it takes me a little while to remember. Sheâs tough because she thinks thatâs how she has to be. And I guess I donât know that sheâs wrong. Ellen always knows the things that no one else will tell you about. She knew about adjectives. She knows how things are supposed to go, and sheâs usually only mad when they donât. In her mind sheâs thinking somebody in some way is going to be a jerk about something, so you might as well plan ahead for it. So she does. And even though I donât like it, sheâs always kind of right.
Itâs around the ponds that I see the Ellen that laughs so hard, she has to blow her nose, and the Ellen that loves dancing to music strangers are playing on their speakers, and the Ellen that sticks up for me, all the time, even when itâs me that is being awful to myself. Thatâs the Ellen that takes my arm after Iâve said something really horrible about myself and says, âCould you stoptalking about my friend like that?â
I always forget that. But at the ponds, she reminds me.
Ellen still walks through the park sort of fast, but she takes in everything and has something to say about all of it. She loves to see older girlsâ outfits. Shorts and big parachute shirts, with big, long necklaces, those are Ellenâs favorites this summer. âI canât wear them, because Iâm so short. Iâd drag that necklace on the ground. Allegra has one just like that though.â
âAllegra. Worst Evah,â I say, and that makes Ellen really laugh.
Allegra is a cool girl in our school who started hanging around with Sophie this year. She says this thing where everything is the Best Evah! Everything. Or at least everything she likes. Ellen loved to make fun of it to Sophie at first, who used to laugh about it but recently stopped. Sophie and Allegra are becoming real friends, like us friends, and I hate it. Ellen does too.
Ellen said something crazy about it to Sophie, like, âSheâs Gross. She just wants to hang out with you because youâre black.â
That made Sophie laugh and say, âI match her shoes.â
That made us all laugh. But it didnât make Sophie stop hanging out with Allegra. If anything, it only got worse.
âDid you hear about the makeover?â Ellen says as she stops to watch some boys park their bikes. Her eyes get really big like sheâs had an accident. Itâs the creepiest thing sheâs done today.
âWhat makeover?â I ask.
âForget it. Seriously. Nothing,â says Ellen, going back to short barks.
âOh, no! Now you have to tell me. You have to,â I say, pulling at Ellenâs sleeve and watching her eyes, and she looks for a way to get out of here. She hears the sound of the ice-cream truck and runs away, yelling, âYou want?â
âNo, Iâm fine.â Iâm not, but Iâm not going, and you need to tell me, Ellen. I say all this with my eyes, and that just makes her mad, because for the first time today, Iâm not doing what sheâs telling me to do.
So she says, âDo you not have any money or do you think youâre too fat?â Like itâs nothing. But itâseverything. She knows that. Itâs not just a thing that everyone can say. Sheâs not even allowed to say it. But she does, and now both those things are just out there, as if everyone knows them like itâs common knowledge. And maybe it is, but I donât want it to be. And I donât want it coming from Ellen. My