this magical land of India was. It truly existed, this place where the people had wised up and realized that we cows were gods too. There were so many other lands and countries, more than I could memorize. I thought about how lucky those cows were that were born in India and got to spend their lives there. And then I thought: Why not me? I thought: WHY CAN’T I GO TO INDIA?
19
OPERATION INDIA
I became obsessed. All day long, 24/7, I thought of India and little else. I grew apart from Mallory, who was swelling bigger every day, and that made me sad, but I was now a cow on a mission. I thought constantly about how I might get there. I knew it was far, far away, on the other side of the world actually, and that I would have to cross an ocean. (Ever seen a cow swim? Exactly.) And I wasn’t one of those cows who could just jump over the moon to get there. No, I had to get on a plane. Where would I find a plane? In a city. Where was the nearest city? About fifty miles away, within walking distance. So if I could make it to a city, I could make it to an airport, and if I could make it to an airport, I could find a plane going to India, and if I could find a plane going to India, I could get on it. It was a plan. Yes, there were a lot of ifs in it, but it wasn’t impossible. And it was so much better than the alternative: death, being eaten and turned into shoes, jackets, couches, car interiors, and baseball gloves.
So I committed myself to it. Operation India. I was going to wait till the end of winter, when the walking weather would be better, and then I was going to walk to the city and get on a plane. I started to believe.
But I also started to feel guilty. I would be leaving Mallory and my other cow friends and cow workers behind. Even those stupid bulls didn’t deserve their fate, same with the stupid chickens, and the pigs and horses. Keeping the knowledge to myself started to eat away at me, so I decided I had to tell someone about my plan: Mallory.
One night, when everyone was asleep again, I nudged her with my snout …
ELSIE
Mallory, Mals—wake up …
MALLORY
Ugh, I feel like such a fat cow … What is it?
ELSIE
I need to tell you something.
MALLORY
What? Why you’ve been such a bitch lately, is that what you’re gonna tell me?
ELSIE
Well, yeah … yeah. And also …
And then I told her pretty much everything I told you, pretty much the way I told it to you.
In the movie version, you’d have cool music playing, preferably a big hit from last summer, as I talk animatedly to Mallory and you see her wide eyes go even wider. Kind of a montage but not totally. Look, I’m not telling the director what to do, I am merely suggesting.
(But that would be the best way to shoot it, that’s all I’m gonna say.)
When I finished, Mallory’s mouth was wide open and I could’ve tipped her over very easily, she was that stunned. And by the way, cow tipping is stupid and we’re onto it. Maybe we’ll start some human tipping, or maybe we just feel like lying down and sleeping and don’t mind getting pushed over by the likes of you—ever think of that, genius? You know who you are.
MALLORY
OMG.
ELSIE
I know, right.
MALLORY
No way.
ELSIE
Yes way, and I am going to—
MALLORY
Shut the—
ELSIE
Overlapping
Shut the front door.
MALLORY
—front door.
There was a long silence between us. Reminded me of the old times when we were so close we didn’t even have to speak to know what the other was thinking. Sistas. Then …
MALLORY
What are you gonna …
ELSIE
Operation India.
MALLORY
Catchy.
ELSIE
Thank you.
MALLORY
You gotta.
ELSIE
Gotta what?
MALLORY
Go.
Like I said—Mals and me: sistas.
20
BABE, I’M GONNA LEAVE YOU
( see Zeppelin, Led)
It took weeks for Operation India to come into crystal-clear focus. I had maps I had to deal with and figuring out the best way to get into the city without somebody reporting a lost cow. Once I got there, I had no idea how I
19
OPERATION INDIA
I became obsessed. All day long, 24/7, I thought of India and little else. I grew apart from Mallory, who was swelling bigger every day, and that made me sad, but I was now a cow on a mission. I thought constantly about how I might get there. I knew it was far, far away, on the other side of the world actually, and that I would have to cross an ocean. (Ever seen a cow swim? Exactly.) And I wasn’t one of those cows who could just jump over the moon to get there. No, I had to get on a plane. Where would I find a plane? In a city. Where was the nearest city? About fifty miles away, within walking distance. So if I could make it to a city, I could make it to an airport, and if I could make it to an airport, I could find a plane going to India, and if I could find a plane going to India, I could get on it. It was a plan. Yes, there were a lot of ifs in it, but it wasn’t impossible. And it was so much better than the alternative: death, being eaten and turned into shoes, jackets, couches, car interiors, and baseball gloves.
So I committed myself to it. Operation India. I was going to wait till the end of winter, when the walking weather would be better, and then I was going to walk to the city and get on a plane. I started to believe.
But I also started to feel guilty. I would be leaving Mallory and my other cow friends and cow workers behind. Even those stupid bulls didn’t deserve their fate, same with the stupid chickens, and the pigs and horses. Keeping the knowledge to myself started to eat away at me, so I decided I had to tell someone about my plan: Mallory.
One night, when everyone was asleep again, I nudged her with my snout …
ELSIE
Mallory, Mals—wake up …
MALLORY
Ugh, I feel like such a fat cow … What is it?
ELSIE
I need to tell you something.
MALLORY
What? Why you’ve been such a bitch lately, is that what you’re gonna tell me?
ELSIE
Well, yeah … yeah. And also …
And then I told her pretty much everything I told you, pretty much the way I told it to you.
In the movie version, you’d have cool music playing, preferably a big hit from last summer, as I talk animatedly to Mallory and you see her wide eyes go even wider. Kind of a montage but not totally. Look, I’m not telling the director what to do, I am merely suggesting.
(But that would be the best way to shoot it, that’s all I’m gonna say.)
When I finished, Mallory’s mouth was wide open and I could’ve tipped her over very easily, she was that stunned. And by the way, cow tipping is stupid and we’re onto it. Maybe we’ll start some human tipping, or maybe we just feel like lying down and sleeping and don’t mind getting pushed over by the likes of you—ever think of that, genius? You know who you are.
MALLORY
OMG.
ELSIE
I know, right.
MALLORY
No way.
ELSIE
Yes way, and I am going to—
MALLORY
Shut the—
ELSIE
Overlapping
Shut the front door.
MALLORY
—front door.
There was a long silence between us. Reminded me of the old times when we were so close we didn’t even have to speak to know what the other was thinking. Sistas. Then …
MALLORY
What are you gonna …
ELSIE
Operation India.
MALLORY
Catchy.
ELSIE
Thank you.
MALLORY
You gotta.
ELSIE
Gotta what?
MALLORY
Go.
Like I said—Mals and me: sistas.
20
BABE, I’M GONNA LEAVE YOU
( see Zeppelin, Led)
It took weeks for Operation India to come into crystal-clear focus. I had maps I had to deal with and figuring out the best way to get into the city without somebody reporting a lost cow. Once I got there, I had no idea how I
Similar Books
A First Time for Everything
Kristina Ludwig
Good Oil
Laura Buzo
The Guinea Pig Diaries
A. J. Jacobs
I can make you hate
Charlie Brooker
Bodyguard: Ransom (Book 2)
Chris Bradford
Spiderkid
Claude Lalumiere
The Casquette Girls
Alys Arden
On the Line (Special Ops)
Capri Montgomery
James Bond: The Authorised Biography
John Pearson
Ocean Pearl
J.C. Burke