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commitment issues are not merely self-protective, they’re downright exclusionary. They have lives so compartmentalized that no other person will ever know what is going on.
    Establishing boundaries is a very effective way of staying in complete control of when, if, and how a romantic relationship develops and how close another person ever gets. Boundaries are also a way of informing others not to have any expectations. Here are some of the ways in which a determined man or woman can maintain distance and keep a relationship from growing:
     
By setting up limits in terms of time and availability
By denying access to parts of his or her world (not inviting a partner to family or work-related functions, not introducing a partner to friends)
By refusing to participate fully in a partner’s world (turning down invitations to special events, avoiding a partner’s family and friends)
By not sharing holidays, birthdays, and special occasions
By not sharing special interests
By placing peculiar restrictions on exchanges of money or gifts so that there will be no expectations
By placing unreasonable restrictions on sexuality
By establishing a life-style that clearly says, “I want to be alone”
By making it clear that you perceive all expectations such as intimacy and/or exclusivity as unwelcome demands
    4. You have a history of becoming involved with inappropriate partners .
    In this day and age it seems peculiar to think of anyone as being inappropriate, and yet sometimes two people are so specificallynot meant for each other that it is practically impossible for the relationship to survive. There may be insurmountable age differences, religious differences, cultural differences, political differences, or life-style differences. These are present from the very first date, and they are not going away. Often we initially overlook these built-in conflicts. Then as the relationship continues, we realize that there are things that are really important to us and that this relationship will never provide them.
    If you’re going to establish a meaningful relationship with an appropriate partner, you first need to face the many ways you have been selecting inappropriate partners. Sometimes it’s obvious, but often it isn’t. The person you’re involved with may be wonderful and kind and nurturing and generous and great-looking and brilliant and deep; he or she may be all kinds of things. But there are so many insurmountable conflicts that the relationship can never grow. On some level, be it conscious or unconscious, you know it, and you’re drawn to it.
    Of course not all relationships have to progress to commitment. Two adults can certainly determine conjointly that they will be together for only a limited period of time because the differences between them are too great. For example, he is a conservative Republican, she is a liberal Democrat, but they decide they will have a pleasant but limited relationship—limited because if they ever discuss politics, it will get ugly. These are personal decisions made by two people, and that’s okay.
    But what about starting a relationship with someone you know you will ultimately reject for being too old, too young, too poor, too rich, too white, too black, too Hispanic, too Asian, too ethnic, too Waspy, too Catholic, too Jewish, too Protestant, and so on. Often it feels very liberating to run toward someone who is different from you, but if you know in your heart of hearts that you will never have the courage or the commitment to stay with the relationship, it’s only fair to make sure that your partner is completely aware of your inner feelings.
    And before you utter a word about how committed you have been to your inappropriate relationships, before you rush to the defense of every inappropriate partner with whom you have become involved, stop for a moment, and think. Could you be running toward people you eventually “discover” are inappropriate because you are running away from