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that?
    “Okay.” I heard myself say. I didn’t know if it was a good idea, but the majority of the blood in my brain had decided to shut off suddenly, and I was left scrambling for more intelligible talk.
    I stood and followed him into the empty classroom, grateful that I was behind him. It gave me a minute to calm myself down a little. He didn’t bother to flip on the light, so neither did I. He closed the aluminum door behind us and crossed over to the line of windows on the wall that were partially covered by cheap, white, metal blinds. He looked so lost standing there, staring out onto a darkened parking lot that was filled to capacity with cars but was starting to clear out. It was like he was a man on an island in the middle of the ocean; he was untouchable, which only made me want to touch him more.
    I clenched my hands at my sides to resist the impulse. This was a man who had scoffed, scorned, and publically rejected me for the past one and a half years. He was not to be looked at as anything other than disdain-worthy.
    He crossed his arms over his chest, drawing my attention to the strong lines of muscle there. “I know I was an ass to you when you came out.” That was not where I had expected this particular conversation to be heading. “I’m sorry about that.”
    “Um, thanks. It’s okay.” I meant it, I think. I was so shocked that he’d said it that my first impulse had been to forgive him. For an instant I even contemplated a friendship with my first love. We would eat lunch together again, go to games, all that crap I did with my other friends.
    “There is more,” he said. I cocked my head to the side in question. He fidgeted, dropped his arms, walked over to me, and took both my hands in his. I looked up at him, wide-eyed. What was going on? “I want you to know that I can’t stop thinking about you.” My heart stopped beating for a good ten seconds. “I’m… I’m gay, Jason.” My body went gooey, and I just knew that I was going to melt into a puddle of happiness on the floor.
    “Good,” I heard myself say. Had my voice just gotten husky? “That’s good.” I swallowed. “What’s that got to do with me?”
    “I want to know—” He paused, gathering courage. “I want to know if you’d let me suck you?” You know those moments when you feel like you may be on Candid Camera or Jackass or Punk’d or a million other shows where people are playing practical jokes? I was there in that moment. Ice water thrown in my face couldn’t have been more effective.
    It hadn’t been “I want to know if you’d like to date me” or “I want to know if you’d like to go out sometime” or even “I want to know if you have feelings for me.” It had been “I want to know if you’d let me suck you.” What the hell? Did he think just because I was a guy it was cool to just walk up and ask for sexual favors?
    Bitterness settled into the marrow of my bones, leeching the last bit of tenderness I felt for the boy. I forced myself to smile. Ironically, it was the same smile I used with Jonathan at home. “Meet me back in the locker room in ten minutes, Tommy dear, and I’ll show you a time that you won’t soon forget.”
     
     
    W E ’ D done the deed, and I’d left the experience feeling hollow and betrayed. He’d driven me home and had kissed me good night, and I’d used the phone that I’d borrowed from Kevin earlier to post the video I’d taken to his mom’s blog. It didn’t matter that she’d deleted it within a few hours. My revenge gave me a feral satisfaction but had left a hole somewhere in my chest.
    I rubbed the offending area with my hand as my heart began to literally ache at the memory. I tossed and turned a few more times before finally sliding into a bizarre and restless sleep.

Chapter Five
     
    I WOKE up pissed. I hate waking up that way from a dream. It makes me edgy and grouchy for the rest of the day, and I hate it. Even the smell of Tina’s cooking wasn’t