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felt like it was a real honor. He must think I am special, I guessed. I didn’t know anything.
    A very cute pregnant girl was there to do my makeup. I’d never had my makeup done professionally before. Too bad I was too coked up to enjoy the experience. Her name was Charley and she made me feel happy about being in a porno. She was sweet, bubbly, and from Simi Valley, close to where I grew up in Thousand Oaks. After she finished by putting a barrette in my hair, Charley packed up her stuff and left. What? Why did she have to leave? Now I was alone in the house with Victor. I tried to keep as calm and agreeable a façade as I could. Secretly, I panicked.
    Victor led me up the stairs to a bright pastel yellow bedroom. The photos were going to be taken in there, on the bed. It was a very plain room with an open window, big enough to jump out of. Victor was cold and calm. He wasn’t mean, but he ordered me to kneel on the bed. He didn’t ask.
    “Turn around and bend over. Push your ass out. Arch your back.”
    I strained a smile as he snapped off a couple of pictures. Then he left the room. I was confused. He just left me there on my knees in my white cotton panties. What am I supposed to do now? Should I stay in this position until I am told to relax? Is this how it is in porn? Does everyone assume the right to tell me what to do because I’m here, I’m the slut, and I’m asking for it? I was still trying to distinguish between the blunt feeling of a filmmaker’s direction and the bluntness of feeling manipulated. When Victor walked back into the room, he had a video camera in his hands. He wasn’t looking at my body directly anymore. He viewed it through the LCD screen. He came close to my face with the lens.
    “Pull my cock out and suck it.”
    The camera was on me, and I didn’t know if this was going to end up as part of the scene or what. Sex was not scheduled for this day, just the photo shoot. I did what he told me to do. The camera made it safe, I thought. I feared Victor would be mad at me if I said no. He was the director, and I was the actress who was supposed to like this—or, at least, to act like I like it. This is my job, I thought. If I say no, I shouldn’t be doing porno, right?
    “Suck it, all the way down,” he muttered. He held my head firmly and offered up some banal groans of praise. It was a big, thick cock, and I put it all the way down my throat. I submitted completely to whatever Victor wanted. I was afraid not to. I never wanted anyone in the business to be mad at me.
    Victor pulled his cock out of my mouth, and I sat on the edge of the bed, leaning back on my arms. My ass hung off the bed now, and Victor pointed the camera between my spread legs. Without saying a word, he pulled my white underwear to the side and pressed his erection against my butthole. The object itself spread my cheeks apart. I didn’t move or make a sound. This was supposed to be enjoyable? How was I going to make this look enjoyable on film? Victor pushed his hard dick into my asshole. It was dry, no lube or spit. None of this felt good. It burned as my skin was torn apart. Once he got it in, he went deep and just methodically fucked me in a monotonous rhythm. I sat there, facing Victor as he held the camera and watched himself penetrate my ass through the lens. It must have felt good for him; nobody as big as Victor had ever been in there. I held onto the backs of my thighs, paralyzed by the pain, my mind racing with questions I didn’t know how to answer. Should he have asked? Will Tyler be upset with me? Is he going to put this in a movie? Is Tyler going to accuse me of cheating again?
    I didn’t know what normal behavior was anymore. Victor hadn’t shown me his current HIV test.
    The doorbell rang downstairs. Victor’s face changed immediately. He was emotionless, as if the last half hour had never happened. He pulled his cock out of my ass, put it back in his pants, and zipped up. He never even took his