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looked exhausted. Was this it? Was it over for me and my bed? Suddenly the elation of motherhood began to fade. I hated myself for allowing negative thoughts to enter my head so soon. It was ridiculous: I was over-emotional and pregnant to boot. It’d be fine. I took deep breaths and told myself to get a grip. But what was going to happen when James went off to work and I was on my own? What if it took Yuri a year to settle in and he just cried all day? I’d have to get help. Mum would help and Jess, and maybe we could get a child-minder for a few hours a week.
    We had been so focused on the adoption that we hadn’t thought about afterwards. Granted, we had bought a buggy, a changing mat and a cot, and I had painted the room a yellow that had looked nice and soothing in the tin but was a lot brighter on the walls. The fact that it was streaky and looked like a bad DIY job didn’t help. I hoped Yuri wasn’t averse to yellow. What if he grew up, hated Ireland and buggered off back to Russia as soon as he could? Would he feel left out now that we were going to have a baby of our own? I looked over at him sleeping in James’s arms. His little eyebrows were knitted, as if he was concentrating very hard on something. He was such a serious little fellow… My heart melted. I would bring laughter to his life. I would make my beautiful son beam with joy. I’d sing and dance and stimulate him in every way I could, so that he never even thought about the miserable old orphanage. James was right: Yuri just needed time to adjust.
    When we landed, James collected our luggage and I changed Yuri’s nappy, then dressed him in little navy dungarees with a white and blue checked shirt. He looked adorable. Mum and Dad were waiting anxiously for us when we came out of Arrivals. They bounded over to us, and when they saw their beautiful new grandson, they both welled up. Dad began coughing and pretended he was sneezing into his handkerchief as he wiped his eyes. Mum held Yuri and, with tears rolling down her face, she cooed and rubbed his back. He stared at her and gave her one of his half-smiles. Dad took his grandson’s little hand and kissed it – I had to turn away because I was sobbing.
    As we drove home, Mum pointed out landmarks to Yuri, who was fast asleep in my arms, worn out after the long flight. When we arrived into the house, the fridge was full of organic baby food, and two baby books lay on the kitchen table.
    ‘Oh, Mum, you’re a star,’ I said.
    ‘Well, you can thank Jess, really. She told me what to buy and she insisted on lending you those books. She said this one in particular is the Bible for modern mothers,’ said Mum, rolling her eyes. ‘I’m not sure about all these books with their rules and regulations, but if it lives up to its name I suppose it’s worth a read.’
    I glanced at it – The New Contented Little Baby Book. Good old Jess. I’d read it as soon as I had the energy to open it.
    ‘You look worn out, pet,’ said Mum. ‘Why don’t you both go for a lie-down? We’ll mind the little fellow for a few hours. You need your rest.’
    She didn’t have to ask twice. At that moment I loved my mother more than ever before – I was dying for sleep. James and I almost sprinted up the stairs.

Chapter 5
    While we were in Russia, Babs had gone to London to meet her new employers and move her things into Sean’s apartment. She wasn’t starting until January, but the company had asked her to come over just before Christmas to see the set-up and sign her contract. She was staying with Sean and Shadee while she found her feet. Sean lived in a gorgeous two-bedroom apartment in Putney, overlooking the Thames. He had moved to London fourteen years earlier, after graduating from university, to work as a lawyer at Brown and Hodder. Then, four years ago, aged thirty, he announced that he had been made a junior partner and would now have to work twenty hours a day instead of the usual eighteen.
    Like me, Sean