Todd.
At first Mom complained, smiling, that she never saw her âbig, handsome sonâ any longer. Todd never confided in her as he used to do, and he wouldnât allowher to come into his room, or tousle his hair and tease him. Saying good-bye, Todd only just let himself be hugged and kissed, standing stiff as a soldier at attention. This past year, Mom had stopped joking. If she spoke of Todd at all, she sounded hurt, and baffled.
Through May, Mom was smiling. The Freaky thought came to me to ask, Is that smile stapled onto your face, Mom? Does it hurt? I wanted to ask if she smiled like that while she was sleeping. If someone shone a flashlight into her face, waking her, would she be smiling like that? I wanted to ask, but I didnât.
I began to resent Mom, that she was acting so strange. I resented worrying about her, I guess. Your mother is supposed to worry about you , not the other way around!
There was a new stiffness between us. On my part, anyway. I wasnât her little Francesca any longer; she couldnât expect me to snuggle up to her and behave like Samantha. I knew she was sensing a change in my attitude, but she didnât say anything for a while. (Thatwas like Mom, too. Not to speak of something thatâs bothering her, like possibly it will go away.) But one day she broke down and asked if something was wrong. âYou seem so . . . withdrawn, honey. You havenât spoken five words to me since youâve gotten into this car.â
We were driving home to Yarrow Heights, same as usual. Mom had swung by Forrester to pick me up after swim practice. Sheâd been doing other errands, too; the rear of the station wagon was crammed with art supplies.
My father hated the smell of acrylic paints and modeling clay. On my motherâs fingers and beneath her short-filed nails, what looked liked dried mud.
For Godâs sake, Krista. You look like a field worker .
I was slouched in the passenger seat. Sliding a Laurie Anderson CD into the tape deck, the one that begins with eerie whale music.
âOkay, Mom. âFive words to me.ââ
Mom laughed, sounding a little startled.
We listened to Laurie Andersonâs breathy voice. Strange undersea sounds. It suited the atmosphere ofSeattle in May: mist, threat-of-rain, rain.
Iâve seen whales in the ocean. Not many, but a few. Killer whales, so-called. In the Juan de Fuca Strait (between northern Washington and British Columbia) and in the ocean, a forty-minute drive to the west. Itâs awesome! When you see the whales surface, leap, frolic in the glassy-green water, your heart lifts. You stare and stare at the water waiting for whales to reappear.
Mom murmured something approving about the music. It was Momâs kind of music, too. Then she turned the volume down so We Could Talk.
âHow was swim practice?â
âOkay.â
âWere you diving?â
âNo. Not today.â
(I had been diving, actually. I mean, Iâd tried. My knees were weak. I had trouble concentrating. âNot a diving dayâ is what we call it, diplomatically.)
Mom drove. I wasnât looking in her direction. Yet I could see that her smile was beginning to slide onone side, as if the staples there had loosened. Her eyes (bloodshot, but I wasnât going to look) seemed to pucker as she stared into the rearview mirror, driving a little more jerkily than usual. As if this familiar way home to our house on Vinland Circle wasnât so familiar to her; there might be surprises. Mom said hesitantly, âI wonder if youâre distracted by something, Francesca. At school, or . . .â But here Mom paused. Not wanting to say at home .
I said, annoyed, âMom, I really donât like âFrancesca.â Itâs so pretentious. Like, are we Italian or something? Samantha is bad enoughâitâs such a cliché. But Francesca.â I sighed. I turned the CD volume up, to hear Laurie Anderson
Elmore - Carl Webster 03 Leonard