bringing all shame down upon himself, was that he had begun sniffing and injecting too with his Austria-met pals. It had all been fun, hitchhiking, scanning maps, sleeping in the woods sometimes. Could have been healthy, Jack realized. Instead, he had behaved like a spoilt child, in a quiet way going wild, being uncivilized just when he had, he remembered, fancied that he was being more civilized, more real than ever before. His father had not let him forget that misadventure. And Jack had a scar like a dent about an inch long on the left side of his forehead up near the hairline, not from a blow struck by the Yugoslav police, but from bumping into a doorjamb on his first day in prison. His head hadnât been clear that day. Lest you forget, Jack often thought when he noticed the scar in a mirror. He meant, lest you forget you were once behaving like an asshole, there is the scar to remind you, and to remind you not to let it happen again. In a way, Jackâs prison stint of four months had continued in his parentsâ house, his mother being cheerful and inclined to forgive, but his father ruled the roost. Jack had been subjected to a couple of lectures from his father, in private, and a promised twenty thousand dollars to start him off in New York as a freeÂlance journalist or artist, or until he found a job in those two fields, had somehow been forgotten. Jackâs brother Christopherâs stock had risen, Jack felt, just because his father had set all his hopes on Christopher then. Christopher, three years younger than Jack, had fallen into line and joined his fatherâs company after Harvard.
And then just before he had flown the nest or the coop to try his luck in New York, Jack had met Natalia at a party that Jackâs mother had insisted that he go to, a black-tie affair, something to do with a charity. This had been at someoneâs house near Trenton. Jackâs family had had a summer house near Trenton then, and Jack had come east with them. Out of the blue, out of the dulness, out of the shame that still haunted Jack, there had been Natalia, making a funny remark to him in her low, seductive voice as they stood with champagne glasses in some big room before the buffet supper began. Jack believed that he had fallen in love at first sight. There was such a thing, he was sure, and he had fallen in love at once with her voice. He had lost her for half an hour, found her again, and asked for her telephone number. Iâve got a car, he had wanted to say. Iâve got a car, Natalia had said. Letâs clear out. Words that stuck in his memory.
How was it that he had said all the right things that night? He didnât recollect that he had been especially brilliant. They had laughed a lot, and on his part it had been due to repressed excitement. He had met the girl of his life. And wonderfully, as they said in the old songs, she had liked him. But he knew why, he was enough of a breakaway for her, and yet not too much. It might have been just an affair, but she had become pregnant. And Jack knew now, if he hadnât been sure then, that Natalia would have had an abortion if she hadnât wanted the child and by him. Her family had put up no opposition, because after all Jack came from the right stuff, a decent family with some money in the background, even if he hadnât yet found a career, and maybe heâd come to his senses and drop his art work and join one of his fatherâs companies that made herbicides and pharmaceuticals.
Jack went into a coffee shop. He didnât know or care where he was, but he thought he was on the upper part of Greene Street. He ordered a coffee, white.
And now there was Louis in a crise. Cancer. Maybe. Heâs awfully brave about it, Natalia had said with a rare but fitting earnestness, Jack thought, considering that cancer was an earnest subject.
Now there was a bit of slumming for you! Nataliaâs best friend, her soulmate, from the