Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games

Read Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games for Free Online Page A

Book: Read Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games for Free Online
Authors: Lacy Maran
Tags: Humor, Romance, Paranormal, paranormal romance, Satire, parody, spoof
the
ramifications of the most famous fetus in the world. It seemed
absurd to be holding such intense meetings over something in my
belly, but yet they were.
    People kept acting like the kid was
going to jump out of my womb with a bazooka and open fire on the
whole underworld. I had put my unborn child on a strict diet of
classical music though, so I was pretty sure my kid was going to be
a total genius. At least it had better be, otherwise all my stage
Mom training would be a complete waste. But before I could turn my
kids childhood into a clown show that was secretly about me making
up for my own deficiencies, I had to push the little bugger out of
my womb.
    One thing was clear though, when it
came to the wolves though, my diaphragm spelled the apocalypse.
And, since the wafer thin plot hinged on me defiantly defending my
unwanted pregnancy, I flipped the apocalypse the bird. Second
Fiddle meanwhile wasn't about to let me bite the bullet so quickly
though, so he splintered off and formed his own renegade pack based
on defending my honor again (wow, maybe I really was a home
wrecker).
    My womb had other ideas. Go figure, but
pregnancy totally blew. As bad as the morning sickness and the
migraines were though, it was labor that tried to kill me. So when
my water broke, my bones and spine followed suit. The scene turned
into a horror movie, with blood splattered everywhere. Then
suddenly at the least opportune time, my brain went and had a
thought (maybe giving up the baby wasn't such a bad idea after
all).
    Surprise surprise though. I managed to
not die yet again (ha ha, take that Grimm Reaper). It turned out
Hunky swooped in at the last minute and injected his swoon worthy
vampire serum into my heart, thus saving my life. See kids, being
stabbed in the heart really was romantic (please don't try that at
home).
    If the most dramatic labor in the
history of childbirth wasn't enough, Second Fiddle knew how to add
that extra layer of insanity. In an epic miscommunication (there
seemed to be a lot of those in my life), the shirtless Wolf thought
I'd died mid labor. And, blaming my kiddo, ol' Fiddle decided the
best course of action was to murder my child...wait,
huh?
    Let me get that lunkhead logic
straight. He thought I was dead, never to come back again. So
naturally the way to make the situation better was to kill another
person too. Hmm, I think I made the right decision picking the
hunky vampire instead of a hot yet unspeakably dumb
werewolf.
    In the end though, logic mattered
little in my world. But with another ridonkulous twist, Second
Fiddle didn't actually end up killing my kid, but rather imprinting
on her by mistake, thus making my child and the wolf soul mates for
life. Clean up in aisle five, I think my brain just
exploded.
    I meanwhile woke up with a new sense of
immortality. For once in my life, I wasn't just a damsel in
distress anymore. Instead I was a blood thirsty damsel with a kid
in tow that I was ill equipped to raise (thank God I had eternity
to learn).
    ***
    Even after all that melodrama, I still
couldn't live whiny ever after in peace. An annoying little twit of
a vampire, who just happened to be moseying through my plot, went
and misidentified my kid as a threat to existence (did the poorly
executed missed communications never end?). And, instead of just
clearing things up with me and my Hunky hubby, she went and tattled
all the way to Italy.
    Naturally the Vultures went and
overreacted like the little bitches they were, leading to the most
epic of all unnecessary fang off's on the horizon.
    That revelation did not lead to the
bedroom banter I was expected.
    "Hey, so thanks to you, my whole family
is going to be exterminated by super powered vampires. But at least
I got to change a few years worth of diapers before kicking the
bucket," Hunky said.
    "Hey, it's not my fault another easily
avoidable misunderstanding has led to an all out war. Besides,
don't forget the years of sleepless night our daughter

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