Read Fifty Shades of Domination - My True Story for Free Online Page B

‘Eileen’.)
I later learned from my birth-mother that she was just 15 when she fell pregnant, although she didn’t recognise her condition until several months later, after her sixteenth birthday. Even when she was five months’ pregnant she apparently sported a 22-inch waist and it was only after that, as her tummy grew, that her pregnancy was revealed. It was far too late by then for abortion to be an option. Eileen has told me that I was probably conceived the very first time she madelove with her then boyfriend, a local lad who was her first serious boyfriend and her ‘first love’. Although they had been seeing each other for a while, her parents had never been keen on the relationship because they thought he was both undesirable and unreliable. He treated her well when they were together but would often disappear from her life with little explanation, returning to pick up the friendship again when it suited him. After I was born, she did have contact with him but he would still leave for weeks at a time. Finally her parents had discouraged him from having anything to do with the baby and encouraged Eileen to stop seeing him because he was so unreliable and they insisted that she needed more stability in her life.
 
For the first couple of years of my life Eileen lived in the bedroom next door to my tiny, nursery room in her parents’ West London home. She looked after me with the help of her own mother and our mother-child relationship was little different from that of any other. In the depths of my memory I have the tiniest snippets, like snapshot photographs in my head, of her being there; her smile perhaps and little moments like walking into her room and watching her doing her hair. But, because her parents were eager to share baby-sitting duties, my birth-mother could live a relatively normal teenage social life. In time she met and fell in love with another boy. Eventually that boy asked her to leave home and marry him.
The big unanswered question was: ‘What to do about me?’ My natural mother’s answer was… to leave me behind.
When I’ve thought about it through the years, I’ve tried to hide away the trauma of that decision. It’s been hard sometimesto know that my birth-mother was able to abandon her first-born child. How could she not have taken me with her to live with her new husband? Why did she not send for me a few years later when she had another couple of children – my half-brother and sister – and when I might still have made the transition back to be part of her family? The truth is that, despite the effect it had on my life, it is hard now for me to criticise decisions made so long ago and in such pressurised circumstances.
Eileen has told me many times that she regrets her decision to leave me behind. But she was only a teenager and had a forceful mother and father telling her what was for the best; how could she have done differently? My nan and granddad were enjoying their new role as surrogate parents, I was settled and apparently happy in their home and they could offer a loving and stable upbringing for their beloved granddaughter. My birth-mother may well have been weak but I do believe she thought she was acting for the best.
I have long accepted that everybody at the time did what they thought was right and were acting with the best of intentions. And yet lingering doubts do remain. When Eileen tells me now that she wishes I had lived with her, it is hard not to think, ‘Well, why didn’t you say so at the time? Why didn’t you fight for me? When you had a new family, why didn’t you take me in then?’
There is a family story of the day that Eileen left me with her parents. Apparently she swore that if I cried when she left she would be unable to walk out of the door and would have to take me with her. That upset was side-stepped by my grandmother who took me off into the back garden so that I wouldnot have to see my mum walk out of the door… and she would not see