me.
“It was just a kiss. I said I was sorry.”
“Are you?”
“I know it was wrong. I’m sorry,” I repeated.
“Are you sorry you kissed him, or are you sorry it was wrong?”
“Can we just drop it, please?”
“Were you just longing for affection? Why him? Why not me? I’m here Rebecca! I love you. Why not me?” He looked so hurt.
I felt the tears start. Parker had been there for me. He loved me, in his own way. He didn’t deserve this. “I’m s-sorry,” I said through my tears.
He walked over to me and grabbed my shoulders. “Are you seeing him again?”
“I have no plans to meet with him!”
“You said you’re not sleeping with him…”
“I’m not!”
“Do you want to?”
I didn’t answer for a moment. His question forced me to think about something I hadn’t allowed myself to face. Yes! God, how I wanted to sleep with him. I wanted him more than anything! And that thought terrified me.
My lack of an answer must have confirmed his suspicions. He took a few deep breaths and sat down on the couch.
“Parker…”
He looked up with tears in his eyes. “I can’t lose you.”
In my mind, he’d never had me. I was there in body, but never in spirit or heart. My heart always had and always would belong to Shane, no matter the circumstances. As I looked down at the man who’d stood by me for almost seven years, my heart ached over the pain I’d caused him. I walked over and placed my hand on his shoulder. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He stood up, “Swear it! Please! I need to hear you say it!”
“I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t plan it, I swear.”
He was staring down at me with wet eyes. “I love you, Rebecca. I’ve loved you since we were kids. I want this to work. I want us to work. No more women, I swear.”
“I told you it was okay.”
“But, it’s not! It’s not okay. You kissing the vet made me realize that.”
I closed my eyes in shame, but not because I was feeling guilty for kissing Shane, but because I was re-living it as we spoke and I wanted to do it again…and so much more. I looked back up into his eyes and said, “It’s okay, Parker; I know I don’t give you what you need.”
“What do you need?”
“I need some sleep, and so do you.” I touched his cheek with my hand. “I’ll see you tomorrow after work, okay?” I said, trying to let him know that nothing had changed. But, I knew it was a lie. Shane was back, and that changed everything.
“I need you! We can’t go on like this. I want you. God, I’ve always wanted you.” He stood up and pulled me to him. “If you let this man, this stranger, kiss you, and you kissed him back, then you must need something, too. Is it the women? I swear they don’t mean anything. It’s just I need…”
“I know. It’s okay.”
“But, don’t you need that, too? Don’t you need to be touched, loved?”
I looked down. “Women are different…” I lied.
“I don’t believe that. Can we at least try to make it work? I miss waking up with you. I miss holding you, loving you. I want to make you happy. I want you to want to kiss me .”
“Parker, it’s late. Can we just forget any of this happened?”
“NO! You can’t run from me anymore. If I have competition out there, then I’m damned sure going to give him a run for his money. You’re still my wife. I haven’t completely lost you, yet.”
I was tired and I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. “You haven’t lost…”
“I want to make love to you! No excuses tonight. You’re my wife, it’s time we re-connected. I need it, and I think you do, too.”
“Parker, please. I’m tired.”
“Rebecca, I’m begging you! Please! Don’t turn me away tonight. We’re alone. Shannon’s safe and won’t be a distraction. Let me make you forget about him, please!”
“I told you, it was just a kiss!”
“I’m not talking about the vet. I’m talking about…him! He’s not here, Rebecca! But, I am! I always h ave been