her few pleasures, necessary for her health, and free, she said Julian could at least put himself out to take her, considering all she did for him. Julian did not like to consider all she did for him, but every Wednesday night he braced himself and took her.
She was almost ready to go, standing before the hall mirror, putting on her hat, while he, his hands behind him, appeared pinned to the door frame, waiting like Saint Sebastian for the arrows to begin piercing him. The hat was new and had cost her seven dollars and a half. She kept saying, âMaybe I shouldnât have paid that for it. No, I shouldnât have. Iâll take it off and return it tomorrow. I shouldnât have bought it.â
Julian raised his eyes to heaven. âYes, you should have bought it,â he said. âPut it on and letâs go.â It was a hideous hat. A purple velvet flap came down on one side of it and stood up on the other; the rest of it was green and looked like a cushion with the stuffing out. He decided it was less comical than jaunty and pathetic. Everything that gave her pleasure was small and depressed him.
She lifted the hat one more time and set it down slowly on top of her head. Two wings of gray hair protruded on either side of her florid face, but her eyes, sky-blue, were as innocent and untouched by experience as they must have been when she was ten. Were it not that she was a widow who had struggled fiercely to feed and clothe and put him through school and who was supporting him still, âuntil he got on his feet,â she might have been a little girl that he had to take to town.
âItâs all right, itâs all right,â he said. âLetâs go.â He opened the door himself and started down the walk to get her going. The sky was a dying violet and the houses stood out darkly against it, bulbous liver-colored monstrosities of a uniform ugliness though no two were alike. Since this had been a fashionable neighborhood forty years ago, his mother persisted in thinking they did well to have an apartment in it. Each house had a narrow collar of dirt around it in which sat, usually, a grubby child. Julian walked with his hands in his pockets, his head down and thrust forward and his eyes glazed with the determination to make himself completely numb during the time he would be sacrificed to her pleasure.
The door closed and he turned to find the dumpy figure, surmounted by the atrocious hat, coming toward him. âWell,â she said, âyou only live once and paying a little more for it, I at least wonât meet myself coming and going.â
âSome day Iâll start making money,â Julian said gloomilyâhe knew he never wouldââand you can have one of those jokes whenever you take the fit.â But first they would move. He visualized a place where the nearest neighbors would be three miles away on either side.
âI think youâre doing fine,â she said, drawing on her gloves. âYouâve only been out of school a year. Rome wasnât built in a day.â
She was one of the few members of the Y reducing class who arrived in hat and gloves and who had a son who had been to college. âIt takes time,â she said, âand the world is in such a mess. This hat looked better on me than any of the others, though when she brought it out I said, âTake that thing back. I wouldnât have it on my head,â and she said, âNow wait till you see it on,â and when she put it on me, I said, âWe-ull,â and she said, âIf you ask me, that hat does something for you and you do something for the hat, and besides,â she said, âwith that hat, you wonât meet yourself coming and going.ââ
Julian thought he could have stood his lot better if she had been selfish, if she had been an old hag who drank and screamed at him. He walked along, saturated in depression, as if in the midst of his
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