supposed to be on a TV show.â
â Spotlight ?â
âYou too?â Her too.
âMe too.â
âHow nervous are you?â
âIâm going to approach this thing with a lot of energy.â
âWhat?â I look at her sideways. âCome on, thatâs a cop-out. Thatâs like a robot answer.â I break into a robot dance for her for a second, doing a robot voice. âI-have-en-er-gy.â
She regards me with such seriousness. âYour robot is so bad that Iâm not sure they have robots where youâre from.â
âNow, I thought we were being friendly.â
âI am being friendly! And energetic.â
I think about what a girl like her would think if I took her out with me in Calumet. The way the other girls would give her suspicious looks, how small potatoes it would all look to her. The difference is just in the way that everyoneâs come up. It runs through everything everyone does. A girl like this could barely grasp at the feeling you get when youâre born and raised in a town so small that people still hold you responsible for shit your grandparents did.
âItâs different where Iâm from.â I look out over the endless lights. âThatâs for sure.â
âDifferent how?â she asks.
If I wanted to explain why to her and do any kind of a decent job, Iâd have to get into my background and my family. And telling her about Marigold already feels like enough of a stumble.
âI really donât think youâd understand,â I say, and as soon as Iâve said it, I can hear how it sounds. It sounds like Iâm blowing her off.
The look in her eyes changes, like sheâs suddenly given up on whatever she wanted out of our conversation. She gets up out of the egg chair. She does the Robotâand sheâs good at it.
Then she walks off, her high-tops squeaking on the pool deck. I watch her, outlined against the night, and I keep my mouth shut just in case being mysterious can save me.
Magnolia
8
The producers originally wanted the ten of us to meet while arriving at the mansion so cameras could be there when we took in the size of the bathtubs. But we have to do it instead at the vocal coachâs glass house in the Hollywood Hills. Or at least whatâs supposed to be the vocal coachâs house for the purposes of the show, since I donât know if this is actually where she lives. Iâm kind of suspicious because I havenât seen personal photos anywhere. Also, she keeps saying things like âThis is so cuteâ and âCute, cute, cute, I love thisâ every time she notices a vase or a little statue on a shelf. Either sheâs just really, really appreciative of her belongings every morning or else sheâs never been here before either.
Thereâs no filming yet, so Catherine, the head producer, says, âYou can just be yourselves for a second.â
Weâve been asked to sit still on the white leather sectional while a cameraman checks the lighting under our faces. But the guy I met on the hotel rooftop, Ford, has gotten up to go stand at the window while he waits his turn. He was in my dream last night, and it was one of those dreams where your brain tricks you into thinking youâre so close to someone you donât even know in real life that you wake up sort of devastated, like youâve actually lost him. And all we were doing in my dream was collecting marbles together.
Anyway, this lingering feeling is making it hard for me to look at him, so Iâm ignoring him instead.
Besides that, I think Iâm doing great at coming out of my shell. Normally, I would be the one standing over at the window. But here I am, sitting on the couch with the group and keeping my eyes wider than usual so I donât seem withdrawn.
Catherine stands in front of us and claps her hands together once as if sheâs going to lead us in a prayer. I can smell