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impression, so I wore my formal exoskeleton, the Ambassador. The gleaming silver exo stood eight feet tall. I’d toyed with installing a cape, but that seemed too flashy. Didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard.
    I spoke, and my saucer blasted my voice across the crowd.
    “Terra Sapiens, I am Emperor Mollusk of the planet Neptune. I am here, not as an agent of Neptune but merely as an individual. Please do not take my actions as in any way indicative of the Neptunon people or governments.”
    I paused.
    “What I want to make absolutely clear is that I do not in any way represent the planet Neptune in any official capacity. In point of fact, they don’t like me there. A bit of a mess. Too complicated to really get into. Neither here nor there.”
    A scan of the perplexed Terran faces convinced me I’d lost them.
    “Sorry. I probably should’ve rehearsed this better. I’m not much of a public speaker. Regardless, I am here to announce that I am Emperor Mollusk, and I have conquered your planet.”
    The Terrans remained silent.
    “So that is all,” I said. “Just wanted to make it official. Carry on then.”
    A colonel stepped forward. “You don’t think we’ll just roll over for you and your Neptune masters?”
    I sighed.
    “Didn’t I make it clear that I don’t have any Neptunon masters? It’s the first thing I said.”
    “You aren’t the first alien to menace our world,” growled the colonel. “We’ve repelled them all.”
    I advanced on him. “I see that we’re having trouble communicating. I didn’t say I was here to attempt to conquer your planet. I said I have already conquered your planet. Past tense. English isn’t my first language, but I’m certain I have that part right.”
    The colonel put his fists on his hips, clenched his jaw, and glared with every ounce of military ferocity at his disposal. “We’ll fight. We’ll give everything we’ve got and more.”
    “Quiet.”
    He saluted. “Yes, sir!” He lowered his hand and squinted at it.
    I pointed to a soldier. “Can I see your weapon, please?”
    He rushed forward, handed me the rifle. A puzzled expression crossed the soldier’s face. He wasn’t quite sure why he surrendered his rifle so easily, but it was only a momentary bewilderment.
    “Thanks,” I said.
    He smiled. “My pleasure, sir.”
    I tossed the weapon aside. “This is a battle you’ve already lost. Mostly because you didn’t know you were fighting it. I had no intention of conquering you with ray guns and space armadas. And all the death rays and melting tanks and rockets and explosions would’ve been terrific fun. Who doesn’t like a good epic war now and then?”
    I threw my arm around the colonel.
    “But it’s all so…indulgent, isn’t it? I got that out of my system during my conquest of Venus. And, if I can be honest with you, that didn’t go all that well. It’s just so labor intensive and wasteful. So much to keep an eye on. After a while, it just becomes a chore.”
    We walked toward my saucer.
    “This time, I elected to go the more subtle course. Why bother battling and then oppressing the indigent population when there are simpler methods? I’m a scientist. I like to experiment. And I like to think I learn from my mistakes. And the mistakes of others. You Terrans are a stubborn bunch, despite your technological inferiority and primitive development. Did you know the Martians still scare their young with stories of Teddy Roosevelt? Or that there is a Viking colony on Ceres? Nobody knows how it even got there. All they know is that only Terrans would be foolish and obstinate enough to somehow live there.
    “You’re a capable species. So much so that all the other civilizations in the system have decided it would be better to just leave you alone. A hands-off policy. More trouble than you’re worth.”
    I chuckled.
    “That’s what drew me to your planet. It seemed like a challenge. And it was. Believe me. It wasn’t easy to set all