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1/4/00, 2:41 pm
to:
Carla Browne
cc:
 
re:
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    In-fucking-credible!!!!!!! That two-faced, lying cow, Rachel, has only gone and offered me the Crettin job!!!!!!!!! I mean, doesn’t she know we’re best friends in the world?!!! The thing is though, I think I’ve got to say yes. Before you go mad, I don’t want to, but I don’t really have a choice! It
is
5k more and I’ve got a
massive
MasterCard bill to pay and my gas is about to be
cut off
!!!!! And you
really, really didn’t want it
did you?!!!!!! Oh, God, what am I gonna do?!!!!!!!!! . . . Zxxx
Pinki Fallon – 1/4/00, 2:52pm
to:
Ken Perry
cc:
 
re:
emergency!
    I think we need some of your maintenance guys to help us out here. There’s been a bit of an incident between Zoë Clarke and one of the other girls. Zoë’ll need a new desk lamp and PC, unless you can get the potting compost from the yucca out of her floppy drive. Also there’s a bit of blood on one of the carpet tiles. It’s only a small cut, so no need for first-aid. Ta . . . 
Simon Horne – 1/4/00, 2:55pm
to:
Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
 
re:
hormonal women
    Darling, have those dreadful girls finished their caterwauling yet? What was that commotion? I have to see David with a Mako idea and I would like to make it to his office with life and limb intact.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/4/00, 2:56pm
to:
Simon Horne
cc:
 
re:
hormonal women
    The coast is clear, sweetie . . . Sx
Carla Browne – 1/4/00, 3:05pm
to:
All Departments
cc:
[email protected]
re:
fuck the fucking lot of you!!!!!!!
    I’m leaving now, but before I go there’s some things you should know!!!!!!!
    • Zoë Clarke is a lying slag and she gave Simon Horne a BJ at last year’s D&AD.
    • She said he has a really small dick.
    • Daniel Westbrooke keeps tarts’ call box cards in his desk drawer.
    • The Crettin buys his coke off Vince Douglas.
    • The Crettin also spent £3,500 in one night at a table-dancing club and put it through on his expenses as “qualitative research fees.”
    • You can all fuck off and die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rachel Stevenson – 1/4/00, 3:09pm
to:
Chandra Kapoor
cc:
David Crutton
re:
urgent
    Please delete Carla Browne’s User ID from e-mail with immediate effect.
    Thank you.
    Rachel Stevenson
    Personnel
David Crutton – 1/4/00, 3:20pm
to:
Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
 
re:
cracked
    It would appear Simon has saved your arses on Mako. He has shown me his new idea and it is a very clever way out. Come see.
[email protected] 1/4/00, 3:21pm (10:21 am local)
to:
[email protected]
cc:
 
re:
Carla Browne
    I’m concerned, David, very concerned. Is this Carla Browne the same individual who led us a merry dance with our Middle Eastern friends? Is there truth in her ranting?
    I am particularly troubled by her claims about narcotics. You will be acutely aware of corporate policy on this issue.
    Reassure me that you haven’t a Monica Lewinsky on your reservation.
    Jim
[email protected] 1/4/00, 3:27pm
to:
[email protected]
cc:
 
re:
Carla Browne
    Jim – worry not. The Carla Browne situation has been dealt with. We were certain that, after the Arabian Airways incident, her wilder personality traits had been subdued. Rest assured, she has now been marched off the premises and will not return.
    We reminded her that in the UK, we have some very tough slander laws and that if she repeats a word of her fantastical claims, we will bear down on her with the full weight of the legal establishment.
    Of course, there is not one iota of truth in her bizarre allegations.Let me put your mind at rest completely on the drugs matter. All employees here know my strict views on this, and no transgression will be tolerated.
    I’m sorry that this trifling matter has intruded on your busy day.
    By the way, Coke is proceeding splendidly and we already