I tend to hide a lot. Have since I was a kid. Honestly, Ella, I'm scared to death at the things buried inside of me. I know it will be liberating to get these things out, but I don't know where to start."
"Start with the letters in your hand."
"Yes. Back to that. So, I wanted to find you. I had to find you. Pop told me to do whatever it took, but I thought it was crazy and useless. So I went off to college and Matt broke up with his girlfriend at the time. For some reason, that made me think of you and how I wanted to find you. Pop's health took a turn for the worse so I went back to Lancaster to live with him. I'd visit Philly every weekend to look for you. Told everyone but Pop that I had art shows.
"Eventually he told me to move back to Philly. Matt needed a roommate and Pop knew how much I wanted to be there. I believed I'd never find you. I thought I'd end up single until I was forty or settling for less than the dream of you. Pop never thought that."
"He sounds like a modern day Jane Austen, too."
I tried to smile. "He was a lot like you."
"So, he made you come to Philly to find me and how does that lead to these letters?"
"His health got worse. I got really depressed. Didn't tell Matt. Didn't tell anyone. My grandfather was all I had. The thought of him dying scared me. I didn't know love outside of him and thought I never would. So I ignored him."
"You stopped talking to him when you found out he was dying?"
"He sent me a letter. It's the first one here." I placed it in her lap and hung my head on the back of the couch.
She opened it. Paper crinkled as I watched the chandelier cast shadows and bursts of light on the walls around us.
I read every word in my mind as I imagined her eyes scanning them.
Dearest Gavin,
You know I consider you my son. I want you to know that I made a lot of mistakes in my life. I wasn't a good dad and your father's issues are because of me. It's the one regret I have in my life. Not raising him better. Not being the father I should have been. I couldn't fix your grandmother when she went to the psych ward, and I certainly couldn't fix myself either. I was a mess, my boy. And messes create more messes until someone starts cleaning. Unfortunately I didn't start cleaning until your dad left and you landed in my arms. But it was too late. He was gone.
I've tried my best, Gavin. Please know it. I've tried my best to raise you, but I've always felt like I wasn't enough. I couldn't be your father no matter how much I taught you to play hopscotch or trace constellations in the sky. I couldn't fill the void you had.
I know you try so desperately to hide the tiniest amount of pain and because of that you hide your emotions too. You're afraid to love because you think love will bring loss and you can't bear it. It's the reason you want to find this girl and never marry someone else if something happened to her. You fear losing things.
I'm dying, Gavin. They say I have a month to live, or less. Do not live your life based off of fear. If you marry this girl and stay faithful to her for life, do it out of love. Not fear. If you do it out of fear, you're a selfish coward. If you do it out of love, you're a noble hero.
I know you fear my death, but please come and see me before I die. You'll regret it if you don't.
I love you,
Your Ole Pop
I wish I could read people like Ella. I wanted to know what she was thinking, but she didn’t tell me. She read the letter, put it back in the envelope, and curled up on my chest until 1:23am. I know because I didn't sleep. I stared at her and the clock, wondering what she thought of me. I knew she loved me, but she signed up for romance, not a mess.
She left that night without saying much. I figured she expected I'd talk when I wanted to. Or maybe she didn't know what to say.
Days later we went shopping for a wedding dress. She wanted something simple. Something resembling the 1920's. Something that would cost us no more than a
"Start with the letters in your hand."
"Yes. Back to that. So, I wanted to find you. I had to find you. Pop told me to do whatever it took, but I thought it was crazy and useless. So I went off to college and Matt broke up with his girlfriend at the time. For some reason, that made me think of you and how I wanted to find you. Pop's health took a turn for the worse so I went back to Lancaster to live with him. I'd visit Philly every weekend to look for you. Told everyone but Pop that I had art shows.
"Eventually he told me to move back to Philly. Matt needed a roommate and Pop knew how much I wanted to be there. I believed I'd never find you. I thought I'd end up single until I was forty or settling for less than the dream of you. Pop never thought that."
"He sounds like a modern day Jane Austen, too."
I tried to smile. "He was a lot like you."
"So, he made you come to Philly to find me and how does that lead to these letters?"
"His health got worse. I got really depressed. Didn't tell Matt. Didn't tell anyone. My grandfather was all I had. The thought of him dying scared me. I didn't know love outside of him and thought I never would. So I ignored him."
"You stopped talking to him when you found out he was dying?"
"He sent me a letter. It's the first one here." I placed it in her lap and hung my head on the back of the couch.
She opened it. Paper crinkled as I watched the chandelier cast shadows and bursts of light on the walls around us.
I read every word in my mind as I imagined her eyes scanning them.
Dearest Gavin,
You know I consider you my son. I want you to know that I made a lot of mistakes in my life. I wasn't a good dad and your father's issues are because of me. It's the one regret I have in my life. Not raising him better. Not being the father I should have been. I couldn't fix your grandmother when she went to the psych ward, and I certainly couldn't fix myself either. I was a mess, my boy. And messes create more messes until someone starts cleaning. Unfortunately I didn't start cleaning until your dad left and you landed in my arms. But it was too late. He was gone.
I've tried my best, Gavin. Please know it. I've tried my best to raise you, but I've always felt like I wasn't enough. I couldn't be your father no matter how much I taught you to play hopscotch or trace constellations in the sky. I couldn't fill the void you had.
I know you try so desperately to hide the tiniest amount of pain and because of that you hide your emotions too. You're afraid to love because you think love will bring loss and you can't bear it. It's the reason you want to find this girl and never marry someone else if something happened to her. You fear losing things.
I'm dying, Gavin. They say I have a month to live, or less. Do not live your life based off of fear. If you marry this girl and stay faithful to her for life, do it out of love. Not fear. If you do it out of fear, you're a selfish coward. If you do it out of love, you're a noble hero.
I know you fear my death, but please come and see me before I die. You'll regret it if you don't.
I love you,
Your Ole Pop
I wish I could read people like Ella. I wanted to know what she was thinking, but she didn’t tell me. She read the letter, put it back in the envelope, and curled up on my chest until 1:23am. I know because I didn't sleep. I stared at her and the clock, wondering what she thought of me. I knew she loved me, but she signed up for romance, not a mess.
She left that night without saying much. I figured she expected I'd talk when I wanted to. Or maybe she didn't know what to say.
Days later we went shopping for a wedding dress. She wanted something simple. Something resembling the 1920's. Something that would cost us no more than a
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