Read Dot (Araminta Hall) for Free Online Page A

Alice sat up and saw the condom shredded in his hands.

4 … Trying
    I know I’m not perfect, my goodness no one needs tell me that. But I have tried my best, really I have, and yet all the evidence would suggest that I’ve failed pretty spectacularly. She should have told her years ago; in fact it never should have been something that needed telling, it should have simply been part of her knowledge, like the fact that I like marmalade for breakfast or that summer comes after spring. But I have known for years that my daughter is not going to; she’s not going to do anything much more than function. I don’t really blame her; I don’t think I gave her much of a start in life or much to hang on to in the way of understanding about love and relationships. In my defence I would say I found it very hard after Howie died to be properly present in anything, which I do realise is a poor excuse, but is at least true. I know she hates me and thinks I’m ridiculous and stuffy and maybe she’s right, but I do care, if only I could find the right words.
    I decided to tell Dot this morning because it’s her fourteenth birthday today. I don’t know why it suddenly seems the right thing to do, but I think she’s started wondering about things like who you are and where you’re from and I don’t want her to waste time wondering about things that should be obvious. Goodness, we all have a hard enough time working the rest out, we don’t need to start off on a losing foot. I sat on my bed, dressed and ready, waiting to hear her get up. When I heard her on the stairs I opened my door and asked her to come in for a minute. Of course she was surprised enough by this request not to question me. I know they both think I’m ridiculous about my things, but I have to keep them safe. Possessions are not just materials stuck together to make something, they hold time in their structure, meaning in their make-up. We are the guardians of their knowledge and without them we might as well all crumple up and accept the dust swirling around our feet. I appreciate this is an outdated concept in our disposable society, but I don’t see life getting any easier by virtue of the fact that we can throw everything away. And besides, when you understand all of this, you realise that you are only a guardian in life, which somehow makes things easier, or at least it has for me. What you do and how you behave matters because that is what carries our history, we are what makes up the human race and that is a responsibility worth taking seriously.
    Dot looked out of place in my room in her jeans and T-shirt, her hair tangled, so I smiled to put her at ease.
    ‘Sit down,’ I said, but then she went to my bed and was about to sit on the lace and I had to shout at her to stop and so we got off on the wrong foot. It’s just that the lace was my mother’s veil on her wedding day and her mother’s before that and mine. I had hoped it would one day be Alice’s but I think we all know that’s never going to happen. So I’m keeping it for Dot, although chances are she’ll never wear it either, even if she does get married.
    I didn’t know how to begin and so I launched straight in. ‘It really should be your mother who tells you about all of this, but I can’t see a day when she might and so I’m going to.’ I hoped Dot understands that she must not repeat this conversation to Alice, she certainly nodded in a very serious way that made me want to sit next to her and soften the blow with a steady arm around her shoulders. But we are all made a certain way and I am too old to break my mould. ‘Your father ran off with another woman, plain and simple.’ I regretted the use of the words ‘plain and simple’ as they left my mouth, but I sat as still as I could, only allowing myself to adjust the brooch which always sits at my neck.
    Dot looked at me for a while, her little face crumpling with the effort it was taking to absorb the information.