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her a wedgie.
    8.       Insert a little heart in your emails.
    9.       Shower a skinny wife with heart candies for Valentine’s Day.
    10.    For
a fat wife, cut little hearts of lettuce for Valentine’s Day.
    11.   Act
like a gentleman and hold the door open for her.
    12.   Do
not let the door go before she is through the opening
    13.   Remember,
hospital bills are expensive.
    14.   If
she falls, help her up, even if you secretly tripped her.
    Chapter 5 List of Don’ts
    1.       If she gets hurt, you may have to be her nurse.
    2.       Resist shoving her.
    3.       Do not push her down the stairs.
    4.       Do not kick her.
    5.       Do not trip her.
    6.       Try not to yell at her.
    7.       Never hit her no matter how angry she makes you.
    8.       Do not argue with her.
    9.       Learn to be a Yes man and then do what you want.
    10.   Never
threaten her.
    11.   Remember
that she is the weaker sex and not just her brain.
    12.   Keep
belittling remarks to yourself.
    13.   Try
not to be so selfish.
    14.   Keep
your jealousy at bay.
    15.   Let
her eat the last candy bar unless she is overweight.
    16.   Let
her drink the last beer, unless she is overweight.
    17.   For
a heavy wife, mix a fat-eating vinegar drink for her.
    18.   Never
compromise.
    19.   Always
make her think she is getting her way.
    20.   Do
not make promises you cannot keep.
    21.   Do
not be caught cheating.
    CHAPTER 6 LIST OF DOS
    1.       If she asks, tell her where you are going even if you have to lie.
    2.       Tell her who you were with last night even if you have to lie.
    3.       Keep nothing from her even if you have to lie.
    Chapter 7 Things to Talk About
    1.       Agree with her on every aspect of religion.
    2.       Claim to support a woman for president.
    3.       Laugh with her and not at her.
    4.       Compliment her, if you can find anything worthwhile.
    5.       If not, then keep your mouth shut and do not insult her.
    6.       Share her interests. Does she sew?
    7.       Does she upload videos on YouTube?
    8.       Social Media is a great place to collect future evidence.
    9.       Post loving messages on Facebook.
    10.   Send
loving spousal Twitter tweets.
    11.   Post together photos on Instagram.
    12.   Do
not tell blatant lies.
    13.   Earn
your wife’s trust by proving you are trustworthy.
    14.   Be
who she thinks you are and not the real you.
    15.   Do
not keep secrets from her.
    16.   Be
open only about your positive feelings.
    Epilogue
    One final note: Memorize this book and then burn it, or permanently
terminate the ebook, so she never finds it. Ha! Don’t feel guilty about
following any of the guidelines in How to Be a Good Husband for Dummies
Whose Wives Are Clueless about What Kind of Shits They Are Married to blah,
blah, blah . Even men fake it sometimes.

Chapter 10
    WIFE
    The Oasis Restaurant on Lake Travis sits high atop a hill
surrounded by trees with multi-level decks overlooking the water. Houses around
Lake Travis sell in the millions and the higher up the mansion, the richer the
owner. The Queso (cheese) dip on the menu when doctored with salsa is to die
for.
    Exquisite stringy, cheddar cheese sticks between my teeth as
lovers sigh over the setting sun reflected across ripples of water. A few
tables celebrate birthdays and anniversaries. Others keep a vigil with their wristwatches
and cell phones, eyeing the time and wondering how much longer before their out-of-town
company goes home.
    Have you ever had one of those days when you scoop a
tortilla chip brimming with warm melted cheese into your mouth and a jalapeno
pepper burns a hole in your stomach? Then you realize the chili pepper is
vinegary and not hot at all, yet your lips burn, your belly aches, and your
body goes limp like a rag doll and you slide from the chair.
    Then your daughter says loudly, “Mommy, what are you