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cotton felt on my fingers, and the damp spot made his desire clear. The kiss intensified with electrified meetings of our lips, tongues, and teeth.
    “I-I can’t make love yet, but I can touch you,” I whispered against his mouth. When he started to protest, I kissed him again to stop it.
    “You’ve done so much for me. It’s the least I can—”
    He sat up and looked at me as if he’d never seen me before.
    “You think I helped you so that you would jack me off? Is that really how little you think of me?” Brian pulled away from me and climbed out of bed with a speed I certainly wouldn’t have been capable of right then. Before I could call him back, he’d grabbed his jeans and walked out of the small room. I just stared after him as the aches in my back, my stomach, and now my chest brought tears to my eyes. That hadn’t been what I’d meant at all. I knew exactly why he’d helped me… because he loved me. All I’d wanted to do was show him that I loved him and that I appreciated him. But I screwed it up—just like I screwed up everything else in my life. I felt cold as I stared at the ceiling, not really seeing it.

    Determination
    27

    After a few minutes, I couldn’t stand the silence anymore. I couldn’t stand being alone or knowing that Brian was upset. I picked up my T-shirt from where it had landed on a small chair next to the bed.
    Carefully, I slid over to the edge of the bed and gritted my teeth as I let my feet dangle over the side. It was a minute or two before my toes touched the plush rug, signaling that they were finally on the floor. Pain shot through my stomach and chest when I tried to sit up on the side of the bed. I couldn’t stop the low cry as I wrapped my arm around myself in a futile attempt to curb the agony. Taking a deep breath, I used my other arm to push until I was upright. With a whimper and a sharp pain in my back, I stood. My skin stretched and pinched when I pulled the T-shirt over my head. It took a surprisingly large number of tiny steps for me to reach the door to the bedroom, and each one sent pinpricks of fire to my torso.
    The stairs were worse.
    I leaned against the railing, forcing it to take as much of my weight as I could, and slid against the wall as I moved from one step to the next. The cuts on my back burned as they slid against the worn drywall through my shirt. I inched my way down as I kept my back to the wall. It was a slow, agonizing trip, and the concrete steps were ice-cold under my bare feet. My pants were still upstairs somewhere, but it didn’t matter.
    The door on the landing below burst open, and two bodies came through before it banged shut again. The first body slammed against the opposite wall with the second body right on top of it. I wanted to yell for someone to help until I saw that they weren’t exactly fighting.
    “God, you smell good,” Mike murmured against Alex’s neck as he lifted him. Alex wrapped his legs around Mike’s waist, both of them oblivious to the fact that I stood just feet from them. I thought about speaking up, but something in the way they were kissing held me back.
    When I was with Steven, I missed kissing like that. Two souls intertwined, connected by lips, love, and need. In our tree house, even in New Orleans, Brian and I had spent hours kissing. Mike rolled his hips between Alex’s legs, pressing him harder against the wall. Alex’s head fell back, and he moaned as Mike’s mouth moved to his neck. He 28
    Jamie Mayfield

    was pulling Mike’s shirt up his back in an effort to take it off when he spotted me.
    “Jamie!” he said in surprise.
    “Hey, at least get the name right,” Mike said as he pulled back.
    When he noticed that Alex was looking over his shoulder, he turned slightly, not releasing his hold on Alex, and saw me standing there.
    “Mike, put me down. He needs help,” Alex said, pushing away from the wall, impatient to get to me.
    “Ah hell,” Mike said, bending his knees and easing