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your dad, you're probably hungry huh." I changed his diaper and
walked back to the room, climbing onto the bed, I tried to lift her shirt
without waking her so he could get to his food without disturbing her, at least
he wasn't crying anymore.
    "Colin I
love you."
    I was stopped
cold was she shitting me? Who was she trying to kid? I started to berate her
until I realized she was asleep. What the fuck was that? No, no, no, no, no.
She wasn't doing this to me again, I'd gone back on the fucking her into
submission bit but I'd be damned if I was going to fall into her trap again.
But why would she say that while she was asleep? When all her defenses were
down, I couldn't think about that now I had to get my son fed. I didn't want to
think about it, too many implications.
    I woke her none
too gently by shaking her.
    "Wake up
Amber, the baby's hungry." I had to start calling my son by his name, but
I hated Junior and I despised Collie, and he was way too cute for Col. His
mother calls him Anthony, I was thinking Colin Anthony but that might be a
mouthful.
    She finally
roused enough to take him. She moved like an automaton, lifting the shirt and
attaching him in one smooth motion, like she'd had lots of practice instead of
just the last few weeks. She still didn't seem to be fully awake as she hummed
some lullaby to Anthony.
    I watched them
together, some foreign emotion choking me, she was so fucking perfect, why was
she so perfect and how? I didn't understand any of this, she keeps asking me to
listen but I'm afraid to and I don't fucking know why. What was I afraid of?
What could she possibly say? I had the evidence didn't I? The proof of her
crimes against me; Fuck I hate being uncertain of anything.
    When the baby
was done I took him and burped him on the way back to his room. His mother was
asleep again before we left the room. I came back and drew her back into my
arms, this time not so forcefully because I'm a sap. I could feel my heart
softening again and prayed to God this time I'd escape unscathed and with my
sanity intact. She smelt sweetly of mother's milk and peaches, damn I was hard
again, first time in ten damn months and it had to be her. Colin I love you. I
think I'm going to hear that just the way she'd said it for the rest of my
life. I subconsciously played with her hair the way I once use to before
falling off to sleep.

Chapter 10

 
    Amber

 
    I was between
sleep and wake, that time when you're not quite dreaming but the remnants are
there. I felt better than I had in a long time. There was a hard chest under my
cheek. I smiled and hugged myself closer to the warmth. Colin, my Colin of
course, we were back in Greece. I guess I wasn't quite awake yet the dream
seemed so real. It was the best one yet I could actually smell him. I clung to
the dream a little longer knowing I'd have to awaken soon, back to reality. I
rubbed against my dream Colin like a cat in heat, full body contact.
    "Hmmm,
Colin how I wish you were really here."
    "I
am."
    I almost fell
off the bed I pulled away so hard. Oh my, what had I done? My cheeks were
scarlet I'd never been so embarrassed in my life.
    "I'm...um
what...?" What was there to say? How much of my dream did I play out in that
bed? And what the hell did I say? Colin was...laughing huh, I didn't think he
remembered how. At least I hadn't seen him so much as crack a smile all
yesterday. Now when we met, that was another story, we laughed together all the
time that was one of the reasons we’d worked so well together. We both loved
having fun with each other.
    It wasn't one of
those laughs where the person was laughing at you, no this was his carefree I'm
happy to be alive from the gut laugh. Thank heavens my son came to my rescue,
we could hear him working up steam on the monitor.
    "I'll just
go get the baby." I said it altogether like it was one word before high
tailing it out of there. Whew, catastrophe somewhat abated. I can't sleep next
to him again, no matter what