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be like, “Seriously, you've only been stranded for eight hours.”

Great, now I'm wooing you with stories of cannibalism. I don’t think I can get any more suave than that. I mean, I pretty much nailed it on the charm offensive with that one, so I might as well go to bed. This is why I made a list of appropriate conversation topics. I really did. Now I just need to stick to it.

Ok, next on my list: your bed. Not many men can pull off the cannibalism to bedroom transition like that. Smooth is my middle name. Actually, it's John, like my dad. Yes, my family had a Matthew, a Luke, and a John, just like the gospels. We were only missing a Mark. Anyway your bed, it is huge, like, room-for-a-party-or-all-your-cats huge. I have slept in a twin bed my entire life unless I am at a hotel, and then I always wake up in a starfish formation because my sleeping self is determined to utilize every square inch of mattress space. I am 6 '4", so I cover a lot of bed. How tall are you, by the way? From your picture, you look petite. Either that or all your friends are Amazonians. And yes, I may have been looking at your Facebook profile again. Who is the guy in the tux with you? You are wearing that red dress that makes your...damn I am not sure how to say this and still maintain the façade of respectability. You look good, damn good. You look good in all your pictures, but that is the one where I can see the most of you.

Moving swiftly on. before you discover my lecherous ways. Number two on the list: my voice. No, I do not have a David Beckham voice. No falsetto here. If you want to hear my voice, you can on Steven’s Facebook. I am holding the camera and mocking him relentlessly as he tries, and fails, to open a magnum with a sword. It was at their commitment ceremony. You might even see a shot of my feet, if I remember correctly. I had had a lot to drink at that point, and my hands were not as steady as they could be. And before you say it, yes, I have big feet, and yes, I know what they say about men with big feet. And I love “That's what she said” jokes, by the way. The classics never get old.

Number three: Movies I like. My favorite movie is Diehard . I could watch that film every week. All of the Diehard movies. Bruce Willis deserved an Oscar; that man was robbed. If you tell me you don’t like Diehard , we might as well end this right now. I need my Ironics font here just so you know I am kidding. I love Bruce, but not enough to give up my Civilian Girl.

Number four: running. Awesome job on your first 5k. The first 5 are the hardest. I will admit, I love running. It is my only cardio. I tried spinning because everyone said I would love it, but my legs are too long. Even when I raised the handlebars as far as they would go, my knees kept banging, and when I stood, my center of gravity was too high. It was a mess. Never again. I will stick to running. I have done the Army Marathon in DC three times, and I did an ultra-marathon last year. That was…well, an experience. You get to 27 miles, and you realize you have another marathon to run. That point really messes with your head. Luckily, I am so pig-headed, I would have crossed the finish line even if I was dragging my coughed up organs behind me. But again, like spinning, it is not an experience I will be repeating.

Point number five: I am sorry your Christmas was so shitty. I obviously don’t know the ins and outs, and I would never presume to know what anyone was feeling, but I do know that grief makes people lash out in ways you can’t always understand. Some pain is so intense that you just can’t process it. You can push it down for a while, but it always pushes back. I think that is what your parents are feeling. I don’t know. Just the incoherent ramblings of a frozen soldier.

Point number six: the kiss. I almost looked up your company after you told me about your partner kissing you. You cleverly avoided pronouns, so I still don’t know the sex of