Read Dear Girls Above Me: Inspired by a True Story for Free Online

work? Is someone hired to look up your search and send it back to you?” Yes, and they search for it on Google.

Dear Girls Above Me,
“School was forever ago! I don’t remember what a stupid adjective means!” Ironic that the adjective you just used was “stupid.”

Dear Girls Above Me,
“I’m blanking, who discovered the world was round again? I mean flat—wait, did he think—yeah, flat—wait—” Christopher Columbus.

Dear Girls Above Me,
“She’s kinda pathetic, spending years studying just to work at a bar.” Does this “bar” happen to be called “the Bar”?

Dear Girls Above Me,
“He kept saying his name instead of using ‘I.’ What’s that called again? Same person? Talking person?” 3rd person (Charlie sighs).

Dear Girls Above Me,
“All I want in life is a strand of Justin Timberlake’s hair so I can make his babies.” DNA doesn’t produce children.

Dear Girls Above Me,
“Okay, I honestly just noticed that keyboards aren’t in alphabetical order.” This is a quote from you and my two year old cousin.

CHAPTER FIVE
    I mapped out my course of action. The strategy was to deliver my rent check and then casually, while I happened to be there, file a noise complaint against the girls above me. I’m the king of the “Oh, by the way.” As I walked down the long dark hallway to Mr. Molever’s apartment, I heard a familiar clanking sound. My immediate reaction to this particular noise was to gag, find the nearest hiding spot, and wait for as long as it took till this noise went away. The source of said racket came from Penny’s collar; she’s a toy poodle who lives in my building and is my least-favorite dog on the planet. Her owner, Tania, isn’t much better. Tania thinks that Penny and my dog Marvin are “lovers.” Therefore, she believes they must see each other at least once a day to keep their spirits and sexual drive fulfilled. “A relationship is a partnership, which is why they both end in ‘-ship.’ ” I don’t know what that even means. “So my Penny can’t keep giving and giving emotionally while your Marvin is taking and taking.” What a lunatic. By the way, Marvin hates Penny. Interactingwith Penny is Marvin’s “surgical neuter” … and he’d been surgically neutered.
    They live on the other side of the building, 4F, but will often make trips by my apartment for reasons beyond comprehension. I know this because sometimes I spy on them through the peephole. Tania will pretend she’s on the phone, just casually hanging out directly in front of my door. One time she was having a “hilarious” conversation with a friend on the phone, when all of a sudden I watched as her cell phone rang. She was so surprised and stunned by the loud ring in her ear that she let go of her phone and accidentally kicked Penny a good few feet down the hallway. She quickly turned and looked directly into my peephole, as if she sensed I was staring at her. She then sniffed around a little bit, which I found remarkably unsettling. The point is, I’m a grown man and I won’t allow myself to be reduced to a childish fear all because of a scary lady named Tania.
    So as I was frantically trying to find a hiding place to avoid Tania, Penny’s collar was becoming more and more audible. Where should I go? I wasn’t able to pinpoint the direction they were coming from, so turning back was just as risky as trekking forward. I was screwed. So, for whatever freakish reason, I got down on the floor and curled up into a lopsided ball. I guess I figured the hallway was dark enough that Tania might not even realize there was a person there. Or maybe I was unconsciously re-creating some traumatic experience I had suffered in the womb? Either way, even if she did spot me, maybe she’d think I was a pile of clothes or a sleeping zombie who should undoubtedly be left alone.
    What I didn’t take into account was Penny’s bionic nose. Out of nowhere she trotted up to me, took one sniff, and