Hannah.â As I said the words, my heart convicted me. Even though my mind agreed with what I said, somewhere inside me there was rage that I couldnât deal with now, no matter what Jonathon said. This wasnât the time to let it out. If I did, I might completely unravel. Blaming God for what happened would go against everything I believed about Him. I couldnât lose my sister and my beliefs at the same time. It would be too much for me to endure.
âI understand. I may work for a small county in Missouri, but Iâve seen some things that really test my faith. People can do terrible things to one another. Sometimes itâs hard to comprehend.â
Before I had a chance to respond, Mary came back to the table with our coffee. After she left, I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to calm my ragged nerves. âFrankly, Idonât know that weâll always have the answers to everything. If weâre not careful, we can drive ourselves crazy with questions.â
âHave you asked God about it?â
I grunted. âNo, not really. Maybe when I have a chance to catch my breath, I might do that. Right now I donât dare allow myself that luxury.â I took a sip of coffee and then put my cup back on the saucer. âIâd be lying if I said I didnât have questions. But there is one thing Iâm certain about. Hannah and I found each other for a reason. And that reason is Cicely. If Hannah hadnât located me, Cicely would have ended up in foster care. Maybe her experience would have been a good one. But maybe not. At least I know she will be with someone who loves her. Someone who will raise her up with a knowledge of God.â
Paul didnât say anything for a few moments, just sipped his coffee. Finally he put his cup down. âI lost a brother when I was a teenager. Randy was a good kid, but he was reckless. Took chances. One night, he was in a car wreck. A friend of his was driving drunk. Randy tried to get out of the car before something happened, but the guy wouldnât let him out. When we got to the hospital, Randy told us he knew he wasnât supposed to go with his friend that night, but he didnât listen. He lived two days. His friend was killed on impact.â Paul shook his head. âI believe God tried to protect Randy.â He sighed as he stared at his coffee cup. âI think Randy would still be alive if heâd paid attention to his gut.â
âIâm so sorry, Paul. God may have warned Hannah too. Iâll probably never know.â
âI guess we need to listen to those warnings,â he said. âTo be honest, Iâm not sure if I know how to hear them.â
âWhen Janet offered me the chance to come to Sanctuary and live with her, I didnât hear a voice, but Iâll never forget theconfirmation that bubbled up inside me. It was as if God was saying, âYes! Yes!ââ
âWell, Iâm certainly glad you listened.â He frowned. âYou told me your parents were murdered when you were young and after that you and your sister were separated. How does a child deal with something like that?â He stared intently at me. âIâm not just being nosy. Iâd really like to know more about you. You can tell me to mind my own business if you want. I wonât be offended.â
I took a deep breath, trying to clear my head. At that moment, Hannahâs death seemed to fill every corner of my mind. It was as if there wasnât room for anything else. But for some reason, I really did want to share my story with Paul. I took a deep breath. âAfter our parentsâ deaths, my sister and I went to live with an aunt in California for a couple of years, but she became very ill and couldnât take care of us anymore. She was our only living relative, so we were sent back to Missouri and went into foster care. Hannah and I were both taken in by a very kind Mennonite