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want the total Disney World experience, you should drive there with a minimum of four hostile children via the longest possible route. If youlive in Georgia, for example, you should plan a route that includes Oklahoma.
    Once you get to Florida, you can’t miss Disney World, because the Disney corporation owns the entire center of the state (see map). Just get on any major highway, and eventually it will deadend in a Disney parking area large enough to have its own climate, populated by large nomadic families who have been trying to find their cars since the Carter administration. Be sure to note carefully where you leave
your
car, because later on you may want to sell it so you can pay for your admission tickets.

    MAP OF FLORIDA
    But never mind the price; the point is that now you’re finally
there
, in the ultimate vacation fantasy paradise, ready to have fun! Well, okay, you’re not exactly there
yet
. First you have to wait for the parking-lot tram, driven by cheerful uniformed Disney employees, to come around and pick you up and give you a helpful lecture about basic tram-safety rules such as never fall out of the tram without coming to a full and complete stop.
    But now the tram ride is over and it’s time for fun! Right? Don’t be an idiot. It’s time to wait in line to buy admission tickets. Most experts recommend that you go with the 47-day pass, which will give you a chance, if you never eat or sleep, to visit
all
of the Disney themed attractions, including The City of the Future, The Land of Yesterday, The Dull Suburban Residential Community of Sometime Next Month, Wet Adventure, Farms on Mars, The World of Furniture, Sponge Encounter, the Nuclear Flute Orchestra, Appliance Island, and the Great Underwater Robot Hairdresser Adventure, to name just a few.
    Okay, you’ve taken out a second mortgage and purchased your tickets! Now, finally, it’s time to … wait in line again! This time, it’s for the monorail, a modern, futuristic transportation system that whisks you to the Magic Kingdom at nearly half the speed of a lawn tractor. Along the way cheerful uniformed Disney World employees will offer you some helpful monorail-safety tipssuch as never set fire to the monorail without first removing your personal belongings.
    And now, at last, you’re at the entrance to the Magic Kingdom itself! No more waiting in line for transportation! It’s time to
wait in line to get in
. Wow! Look at all the
other
people waiting to get in! There are tour groups here with names like “Entire Population of Indiana.” There sure must be some great attractions inside these gates!
    And now you’ve inched your way to the front of the line, and the cheerful uniformed Disney employee is stamping your hand with a special invisible chemical that penetrates your nervous system and causes you to temporarily acquire the personality of a cow. “Moo!” you shout as you surge forward with the rest of the herd.
    And now, unbelievably, you’re actually inside the Magic Kingdom! At last! Mecca! You crane your head to see over the crowd around you, and with innocent childlike wonder you behold:
a much larger crowd
. Ha ha! You are having some kind of fun now!
    And now you are pushing your way forward, thrusting other vacationers aside, knocking over their strollers if necessary, because little Jason wants to ride on Space Mountain. Little Jason has been talking about Space Mountain ever since Oklahoma, and by God you’re going to take him on it, no matter how long the … My God! Can
this
be the line for Space Mountain? This line is so long that there are Cro-Magnon families at the front! Perhaps if you explain to little Jasonthat he could be a deceased old man by the time he gets on the actual ride, he’ll agree to skip it and … NO! Don’t scream, little Jason! We’ll just purchase some official Mickey Mouse sleeping bags, and we’ll stay in line as long as it takes! The hell with third grade! We’ll just stand here and chew