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into a stall and close the door, and his little legs would disappear, and he’d remain there for as long as two days. God alone knows what he was doing in there. Meanwhile, of course, I’d stand guard outside the stall, because you can’t leave a three-year-old alone. Inevitably strangers would come in, and there I’d be, apparently just hanging out alone in a men’s room, and they’d look at me suspiciously. So in an effortto reassure these strangers that I was a Father on Duty, as opposed to some kind of lurking men’s-room pervert, I’d try to strike up a conversation with Robert through the stall door:
    ME : So, Robert, my three-year-old son who is inside this stall that I’m guarding as a responsible parent! How’s it going in there?
    STALL DOOR : (silence)
    ME : Ha ha! Speak up, Robert!
    STALL DOOR : (silence)
    And the strangers would turn and stride quickly out the door, because nobody wants to be in a public rest room with a person who’s talking to a toilet stall.
    Of course, if there’s anything more exciting than traveling with a child, it’s traveling with
several
children. We ourselves have only one child, because after Beth experienced the Joy and Wonder of natural childbirth, she decided not to experience it again until modern science invents a method whereby the man has the contractions. But we have taken Robert’s friends with us on numerous trips, and we have noted a phenomenon familiar to all parents, namely that you would have less conflict if you put the entire North and South Korean armed forces in your backseat then you get with just two children.
    Children sitting in backseats are incapable of normal human conversation. Their conversational responses are all intended to raise the level of backseat hostility to the point where one partyhas no viable option but to spit Yoo-hoo into the other party’s hair.
Examples
    STATEMENT OF CHILD : Hey! I saw a horse!
    RESPONSE OF NORMAL HUMAN : Where?
    RESPONSE OF OTHER CHILD IN BACKSEAT : So what?
    (Or: “You did not.”)
    STATEMENT OF CHILD : I like this song.
    RESPONSE OF NORMAL HUMAN : That’s nice.
    RESPONSE OF OTHER CHILD IN BACKSEAT : So what? (Or: “You do not.”) (Or: “This song sucks.”)
    STATEMENT OF CHILD : In a right triangle, the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.
    RESPONSE OF NORMAL HUMAN : That is correct.
    RESPONSE OF OTHER CHILD IN BACKSEAT : You suck.
    One way to try to reduce the hostility level is to keep the children amused with Traditional Fun Car Games, such as watching for other cars’ license plates and seeing who can find the one from the most distant state. This exciting activity is sure to captivate the children and provide hours of enjoyment (“I see one from Iowa!” “No you don’t!” “So what?” “You suck!”).
    But for real family travel fun, there’s no substitutefor actually reaching some kind of destination. And the Number One family travel destination of all, as measured in total miles of people waiting in line, is of course:
THE WALT “YOU WILL HAVE FUN” DISNEY WORLD THEMED SHOPPING COMPLEX AND RESORT COMPOUND
    I’m an expert on visiting Disney World, because we live only four hours away, and according to my records we spend about three-fifths of our after-tax income there. Not that I’m complaining. You can’t have a bad time at Disney World. It’s not
allowed
. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they catch you failing to laugh with childlike wonder, they lock you inside a costume representing a beloved Disney character such as Goofy and make you walk about in the Florida heat getting grabbed and leaped on by violently excited children until you have learned your lesson. Yes, Disney World is a “dream vacation,” and here are some tips to help make it “come true” for you!
    When to Go:
The best time to go, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.
    How to Get There:
It’s possible to fly, but if you