Read Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) for Free Online

surprised. We don’t get into too many fights, but when we do, the attackers’ weapons always seem to hit her somewhere in the twelve square inches of armor she wears.”
    “Incredible,” said Julian, shaking his head.
    Stuart shrugged. “It’s just part of the game. Have you seen some of those book covers?”
    “So, um…” said Cooper. “Just to be clear. It’s okay to look then? I mean, I won’t make a move or nothin’. Just fill the spank bank, you know?”
    Stuart’s angry face switched back on like a light when he turned to Cooper. “How’s this for clear? If I catch you so much as glancing in my wife’s general direction, I’ll carve out your eyes while you sleep and fill the sockets with your testicles.”
    Cooper frowned. “Dude, that’s kinda fucked up.”

 
    Chapter 5
     
     
     
    “Why do they call you Tony the Elf?” asked Dave as he, Jorn, and Tim struggled on their short legs to keep up with the long, graceful strides of the Ranger through the dark streets of the city.
    “My name is Tony, and I’m an elf.”
    “Nobody calls me ‘Dave the Dwarf’.”
    “When we made our characters, Mordred told us that we needed character names. I didn’t feel like thinking up some stupid unpronounceable name with a bunch of Qs and Vs and apostrophes in it, so I just called myself Tony the Elf. Mordred, as you know, takes the game a bit more seriously than that. We didn’t make it three sessions before he sent us over.”
    “Our group didn’t make it thirty minutes,” said Tim.
    Tony the Elf laughed. “You guys must have been some serious assholes.” He leaned back against the side of a building and poked his head around a corner. “Let’s go.”
    “Why are we being so sneaky?” asked Jorn. “Who are we supposed to be hiding from?”
    “No offense,” said Tony the Elf. “But we’re hiding from people like you.”
    She looked at Dave, and then back at Tony the Elf. “Like me in what way exactly?”
    “Locals. You’ve probably noticed that we behave kind of strangely.”
    “Well I weren’t gonna say nothing, but yeah. I’ve noticed some peculiarities here and there.”
    Tony the Elf addressed Dave and Tim. “Learn this lesson as quickly as possible. Keep your distance from the locals. The cultural differences between us and them are vast. You never know when a seemingly innocuous word or gesture is going to set someone off and make them want to murder you.”
    “We’ve kind of learned that lesson already,” said Dave, “when our friend Cooper chopped the head off a city guard.”
    “Jesus!”
    “It was before we got sent over.”
    Tony the Elf shook his head. “It’s no wonder you guys didn’t last thirty minutes. Anyway, that’s not a good example at all because chopping people’s heads off is frowned upon in our culture as well. All clear, let’s move.” He led the party down the quiet empty street. Tim followed close behind him. Jorn followed behind Tim, with Dave taking up the rear. Somewhere above them, Ravenus circled in the dark sky.
    “So what’s a good example?” whispered Tim. “Like when Dave’s girlfriend beat the shit out of me for mentioning her beard?”
    Jorn slapped Tim in the back of the head.
    “No, dammit!” said Tony the Elf. “Did you ever talk to women back home?”
    “Not ones with beards.” That earned him a harder slap. “Fucking hell, knock it off!”
    “You did that one fat girl in high school,” said Dave. “Carrie. She had a bit of a mustache.”
    “Who?”
    Dave laughed. “Don’t even pretend you don’t remember. The party at Pete Alderman’s house. You were both wasted.”
    “Shit,” said Tim. “I remember.”
    “You thought you were being sneaky doing it in the bathroom, but there was a line of people waiting to piss when you came out.”
    “All right already! I said I remember. And sure, she was a little chunky, but she didn’t have a mustache.”
    “Sure she did,” said Dave. “Why do you think everyone