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disconcerting.  

    When the PA did it the first time I cried and had to leave the room because I couldn ’ t stand seeing Sheelagh in so much pain. When I had to give it a try, it felt absolutely awful. I felt horrible. You know you have to do the massage to get the desired effect, but you don ’ t want to hurt the person you love. When that was finally finished the PA put a lighter head halter on Sheelagh, and then finally left. Sheelagh had been up from 1:00 until 7:00 P.M. She was exhausted and I was so glad to see that day end.  

    We made it to February 1 st and by then I had learned to master the blood bulb and had managed to get the cleanup whittled down to forty-five minutes. Even the deep tissue massage wasn ’ t freaking me out as much as it did in the beginning. It was a lot to deal with. I was everything from PA to housekeeper to chef. You haven ’ t lived until you ’ ve taken a hotel trolley cart full of grocery bags (without losing any) into an elevator and up to your room. This whole adventure was emotionally and physically draining. The payback was in seeing Sheelagh getting a little stronger and a little happier day by day. For the first time in five days Sheelagh was able to leave our room and slowly walked down to the lobby area and had a cup of tea. This was a huge accomplishment!  
     
    On February 2 nd , Sheelagh woke me up at 6:00 A.M. because she wanted to go downstairs for breakfast because she was hungry – unbelievable. Six days before she could barely open her mouth and now she was munching on an omelet, sausages, home fries, a muffin and tea. She was definitely on the mend and it did my heart good to see her up and about even though she still looked like she ’ d been hit by a truck. After I cleaned the sutures and massaged them, she slept for nearly six hours.  

    At 6:00 P.M. her doctor dropped in and said she could get the blood tube taken out on Saturday and the nose splint would be able to come off as well. Very exciting – especially getting rid of that blood bulb! At 3:00 P.M. the next day we went to the clinic and the blood tube was removed as well as all the face tape – that made Sheelagh very happy! All the excitement and traveling caused Sheelagh a lot of pain. When we arrived back at our hotel two hours later, she took her pain medication and fell fast asleep. Unfortunately, I had to wake her up to give her more medication and do the massage but she went right back to sleep after that.
     
    On day eight she seemed to hit a wall – the pain was intense and she felt miserable and tired. The doctor said that after the first week the patient seems to feel more pain and experience some depression, the body just needed to rest and heal. All Sheelagh was supposed to do was rest, relax, and keep the pain away. It was reassuring to know that her body was doing what it was supposed to do.

    On Monday, February 6 th , Sheelagh was showering herself as well as dressing herself. I was still doing that deep tissue massage and feeding her, but the pressure to be all things to her had lessened. I was able to relax a little bit. Sheelagh ’ s face and neck were still bruised and swollen and she still tired extremely easily, but she was up for a visit from a transwoman she had met online who lived in the area.

    This woman arrived at 9:30 A.M. and the two of them visited in the breakfast room for a couple of hours. It was interesting to me to meet a transwoman who wasn ’ t having FFS and to hear how her coming out to her wife ended in divorce and coming out at work ended in her being fired. Such a very sad and different outcome compared to Sheelagh. It made my heart break to hear she was banned from seeing her children because she had been told she would confuse and upset them. She wasn ’ t sad, but she wasn ’ t terribly happy either. She was resigned to the fact that that part of her life was over. When Sheelagh ’ s friend left it was like someone had popped her balloon, she