"We
hardly have a secret left."
"You can trust us," Misty said. "Really. Who
are we to talk about someone else, right?"
I looked back at the three of them. They did
look sincere.
My mother's warning returned, but she didn't
understand how important it was for me to get all this
out. Look what keeping the ugliness inside her had
done to her, I thought. I don't want that to happen to
me.
"After my father had told me the story of the
lost baby, I would spy on them," I confessed and
quickly added, "I was just very curious."
"So? What did you see?" Star followed. "How did you spy on them?" Misty asked. "All our bedrooms are upstairs, next to each
other. We have a two-story Spanish colonial with a
deck running alongside their bedroom and mine." "A Monterey-style cantilevered porch,
probably," Jade said knowingly. "My father designed
a house like that and I saw the drawings," she
explained.
"Thanks for the information," Star said. "I
couldn't have lived ten more minutes without it." "If you don't want to learn anything. ." "Let her talk!" Misty exclaimed, excited and anxious for me to continue. "Go ahead, Cat," she
urged. "I'm listening even if they're not."
"Usually, when they were both in their
bedroom, I would hear some muffled conversation for
a few minutes and then silence. I couldn't help
thinking about it. I had read some things, knew some
things."
"So you went out on the porch and peeked in
their window?" Star asked impatiently.
"Yes, but only a few times," I added.
"And?" she asked, holding up her arms in
anticipation.
"My mother sleeps in a nightgown with a
cotton robe wrapped around her. Every time I looked
in, she had her back to my father and he had his back
to her. I never saw them embrace each other or touch
each other or even kiss each other. I remember
thinking they were like two strangers sharing a room
for the night. How could they ever have made a
baby?"
"No wonder they broke up. I'm surprised they
were together as long as they were," Star said. Misty
and Jade nodded.
"So your mother had gotten pregnant against
her will, didn't want to have sex with your father anymore, and therefore, the only way they would ever
have any children was by adopting," Jade concluded. "Maybe someone else had made her pregnant,"
Star conjectured.
"No, I doubt that," I said.
"Maybe your father practically raped her,"
Misty suggested, "and that was why she wanted to
lose the baby."
"You ought to write soap operas," Star told her
Misty shrugged and motioned for me to continue. "Why would her father remain married if he
had no love life?" Jade pondered.
"Maybe there's something wrong with her
father now. Maybe he's one of those men who can't
have sex anymore," Star suggested. "I heard that can
happen to a man. He's impotent or something," she
added, insecure about the word.
"No," I said, a little too fast.
"What do you mean, no? How do you know?
Have you seen him with some other woman? Is that
why they got divorced?"
"That's it, isn't it?" Misty asked, smiling.
"Welcome to the club."
I looked away again, took a deep breath, and
then looked at them and shook my head.
"No, I never saw him with anyone else." "So then, how can you be so sure?" Star
queried. She turned her eyes on me like two tiny
knives. What she saw in mine made her eyes widen as
she continued to look at me.
"I know what she's saying," she said almost in a
whisper.
They were all staring now, a cold look of
realization moving in a wave from one face to the
other, and with it, an explosion of pity, fear and
disgust in their eyes.
It felt like all the blood in my body was rising
and gathering at my throat. Suddenly, I couldn't
swallow, but I couldn't breathe either. I guess I was
getting whiter and whiter. Doctor Marlowe's face
erupted into a look of serious concern. She rose from
her chair.
"Let's give Cathy a short break," she suggested.
"Come on, honey. I want you to splash your face in
cold water and relax for a few moments."
I felt her helping me to my feet, but I