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time it is. I have to. Don’t you understand? This isn’t home and I can’t go on pretending that it is. This thing with Tamara just opened my eyes sooner.”
    “Like hell it did. Please don’t make a scene out of nothing.”
    “I’m going with you.” Holly raced to get her shoes on, but her sister stopped her before she could get too far.
    “Stop, Hol. I’ll be okay. I’ve got to get myself settled first anyway, and then we’ll figure something out. I’ll visit too, or we could meet up. I’ll call you in the morning, I promise.”
    No! Her head screamed, but instead her shoulders dropped with defeat when Chrystal walked out, leaving her behind. There was no way she was going to win tonight, and it felt as though she’d lost everything that mattered once again. Her mom was never coming back, but at least she had her sister—until then.
    Her aunt helped her back upstairs and left Holly alone once she was tucked securely inside her bed again. But sleep still eluded her, and she eventually cried herself into exhaustion.
     
    ***
     
    “I wish the pain inside had an off switch, but nooo, it has to just sit there and suffocate you.” Holly slid down to the floor and rubbed a hand across her face. “I’m suffocating here, Chrys.” Her sister sat beside her and gave her hand a squeeze. Holly took a swig of the bottle she held and grimaced as the sweet burn of alcohol slid down her throat. She was confined to a personal hell she wasn’t sure she’d ever be free of again.
    No matter how much Karen tried to make a good home for her, she couldn’t accept it because she just didn’t feel like she belonged anywhere. It was nothing personal.
    Chrystal drifted from friend to friend for a couple more weeks, and they were both miserable with grief. Christian then decided to intervene and convinced the girls that maybe they’d be better off with him after all. Holly accepted only because it meant she’d be reunited with her sister again.
    Christian played the attentive-father role for a day or two. He’d moved them to the other end of the city and then decided that his new girlfriend and getting high were more important than being there for his daughters, not that they minded. His absence meant they didn’t have to walk on eggshells and they were free to do whatever the hell they wanted. Which meant screw school and everything else. It was a time for living in the moment and taking everything one day at a time.
    “Join the club.” Chrystal let go of her hand and took a sip of her beer. “Life is fucked up.” She sighed. The alkie binge was on again at Maison Hewitt, and the place was packed with people.
    “At least my body feels numb right now.” Holly tried to smile and then quickly stood with a stagger. “Have you ever wondered how much she hurt when it happened? Do you think Mom suffered much?”
    “I prefer not to, but no, I think she went pretty quickly. Why?”
    “Because, if I hadn’t started that argument, maybe she’d still be here. I hope she knows that I’m sorry.”
    “Whatever, Hol, stop being stupid.” Her big sister stood. “What the hell are you on anyway?”
    “I took a hit of acid with Cole and Abby a couple hours ago, and then I decided to join the party.” She held the bottle of vodka up before ingesting more. “Nobody asked you to join my pathetic pity fest.”
    “Whatever!” Chrystal swiped the bottle from her hand. “I think you’re cut off for a while.”
    Holly flipped her off in answer. The night was still young, and she’d find another way to quench her thirst.
    Music blared, bodies swayed, and everyone seemed as though they were having a good time, so why couldn’t she just be fucking normal for once and join in? Because it was never about having fun; it was about trying to forget. Feeling nothing meant there was no pain. Only for the first time in a long time it seemed to be seeping through the haze tonight. I must be losing my buzz or something. Screw this,