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“And you’re not already sad? Ever think it might bring you some joy if you allow it?”
    I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes and counted to ten.  Finally, I raised my gaze to Harper’s. “What are you trying to do? You think you can waltz in here and make everything okay? You’re going to what, fix me? Make it all okay with your pretty smile and easy going attitude? I have cancer, Harper, it is going to kill me!” Harper threw a tea-towel across the table and looked me straight in the eye.
    “Fuck, Bree, will you give it a fucking rest with the death shit! Yeah you’ve got cancer and it sucks, it’s fucking unfair! I hate that you are sick and I hate that you’re scared and sad, but you need to quit with this bullshit because at the end of the day you are being selfish. You are more than likely going to be fine and yet you’re moping around this house like you’re already dead. There are people in a worse place then you and you need to realize that.” They say the truth hurts and, yep, their pretty accurate. Harper’s blunt admission tore my heart in two. What he didn’t understand was that I wanted it to be that easy, just let common sense prevail. I wanted to smile and have the ‘old’ Bree back. I had tried everything to drag myself out of this depression, but one thing kept pulling me back down—death. I wasn’t ready to die, it scared the hell out of me. It kept me down, it kept the sorrow locked inside me. I saw the cost of the words that Harper had said in his eyes, on his regretful face. He was scared too, but it wasn’t his body that had been attacked by cancer. He wasn’t the one struggling, he didn’t understand, he couldn’t understand.
    “I think I’ve earned the right to feel a little sorry for myself, Harper. You weren’t here, you didn’t see the bad days when I was so sick I couldn’t move, where all I could do was lean over the side of the bed and hope my puke made it into the bucket. Not even the damn tablets they gave me could help with that. The ulcers in my mouth were so bad it hurt to swallow. I forgot stuff all the time; George had to keep a ‘Bree’ diary cause Bree couldn’t take care of her own freakin’ life.” Damn it, the tears were threatening to fall yet again. I pushed them down and my throat throbbed with the effort it took to ignore them.
    “There was a reason I wasn’t here for all that, Breeze, so don’t give me the ‘you weren’t here’ bullshit and yeah, it all fucking sucks, but you know what? You are alive right now, breathing, beating heart and all. You are able to leave the apartment and live, that’s more than what others have.” My lips trembled; my eyes filled with unshed tears.  “You’re pissed off cause you know I’m right,” Harper said in a quiet voice. I refused to look him in the eye as I took a deep breath.
    “I get it, Harper, I understand what you’re saying but when I got cancer something inside of me broke. I’m filled with selfish thoughts like how I won’t have children or get married. I want to smile but it’s just easier to frown. I want to go outside and enjoy the sun but when I’m out there the sadness just follows me, I get so tired of pretending everything is okay for other people’s benefit. At least in here I can be myself, I can be sad. At least death might bring me peace from all this selfish sorrow.” Harper’s eyes dropped with understanding and sadness and it was that look that caused the first tear to slip away. “Thank you, for this,” I waved my hand to encompass the food that I had barely touched. “And thank you for coming home,” I added before once again retreating to my room.

 
    Chapter 4
    Road Tripping
     
    An impromptu journey in a vehicle; no two road trips are alike; games and rules may apply
     
    Harper didn’t follow me last night, he didn’t climb into my bed and wrap his arms around me. To say it didn’t matter to me would be a lie. After only one night I missed his warmth