very own goldfish. I dreaded this day for many weeks before, sick to my stomach thinking about having to flush a little translucent body down the toilet after I no doubtdid something to kill it. When fish-tank day finally came, I lied and said my parents wouldnât let me have one. Which probably wasnât a lie.
My familyâs relationship with animals has been historically lukewarm. When approached by someoneâs dog, I attempt to speak with that syrupy talking-to-a-dog inflection. âThereâs a big boy!â Iâll say, and pat, with four stiff fingers, the top of its head, never quite sure where it wants to be petted.
My mom doesnât even attempt to pet the dog. She instead does a sort of skip-skip-shuffle-step and holds her hands above her head, which everyone knows is the universal canine sign for âPlease get up on two legs and jump on me.â At which point, she really panics and proceeds to yelp like a dog that would fit inside a purse.
Wild animals are no better. My mom practically aims for them on the road. I should rephrase: She does absolutely nothing to avoid them. Sheâll defend this by saying, âWell what in the hellâd you want me to do? Swerve and kill us both?â
I have been woken up many a morning to the sound of my mom spraying the deer in the backyard full of beebees. Sheâll be cloaked in her pink, quilted bathrobe and matching spongy slippers with a pellet gun firm against her shoulder, padding through the yard like Elmer Fudd. âI donât pay for all the teenagers in the neighborhood to come into my kitchen and eat all my food. Why should I be feeding all these deer?â sheâll say, tracking a deer thatâs wandered into her garden for a snack. POW . Sheâll nail one right in the butt. Itâll sprint away, its ass flailing wildly in the air. (The bullets arenât strong enough to kill the deer, sheâs assured me many times, in the same harangue about them spreading Lyme and being over-populated.) âTheyâre a menace to society,â sheâll say, then swish up the back steps to get her egg casserole out of the oven.
Weâre not terrible people, I promise. We like humans. We really like humans! Most of the time. And itâs not that we dislike animals; weâre just not quite sure what to do with them.
Somehow, we used to have a dog. A Welsh corgi named Choo-Choo, because at age two my brother thought she ran like a choo-choo train. We liked Choo-Choo; I swear we did. I even cried when she died. My dad picked me up from my fifth-grade afterschool French class and told me the news. I mustered up some tears because it seemed like the thing to do.
Here comes the bad part: For her fourteen years with our family, Choo-Choo primarily lived outside. While this was an acceptable arrangement when we lived in Georgia, Iâm not so sure how humane it was once we moved to Connecticut. âShe has a house of her own,â my mom would say, motioning toward the door-less, insulation-less wooden shack with three feet of snow on either side. My dad would add, sitting slipper-footed by the fire, âWould you want to live inside this hot house with a fur coat on? I donât think so.â Iâd look outside as dusk enveloped the miniature wooden igloo, and then back inside at the roaring fireplace, the tartan-plaid blanket draped across the overstuffed sofa, and think to myself, Iâm not so sure .
Itâs terrible, I know. Fortunately, it sounds like my mom has turned a corner. âOh that was just horrible!â she said one day when I mentioned Choo-Chooâs living in the cold. My dad, on the other hand, didnât budge. âShe had a house!â he said, waving a page of his newspaper wildly. âWith blankets!â
There are some animals, however, that I sincerely love. I love whales. The Voyage of the Mimi was my favorite educational film of all time. It even inspired me to