and mighty
feminist shit get in the way of what I wanted.
I pushed off of the bed and fled to the door.
“Ryan…”
I wanted to ignore her, but her voice pulled me back.
“What?”
“Thank you.”
I shook my head and left her apartment. And that’s why I
make it a point to not get emotionally attached to a woman. I needed that
ten-mile walk after my night with Grace.
Grace
Of course I wanted him to stay. Of course I wanted to give
him my number. I wanted to see him today, tomorrow, and everyday thereafter.
Something changed within me as we became one. I have never let myself be that
vulnerable, but I will never be the same. I truly do thank him for that.
But I care for him, and because I care for him, I can never
get that close. As soon as my father was to find out there was a man in my
life, that I had given myself to him, I could not protect him anymore. Patrick
Brennan was grooming men within his club to be a husband for me. He didn’t
think I knew that, but I wasn’t blind. I see everything he does, and I know
what he would do to Ryan. No amount of possible love could be worth the pain
Patrick “Bowie” Brennan could cause.
No. Our night of passion would have to be it. I could live
with that, and I knew the likelihood of running into him was next to nothing. I
wasn’t lying. I couldn’t be seen in Southwest Philly. I had never met one of The
Blood of Cupids, but I couldn’t take the chance of one of them recognizing
me. If they were to see me in their territory, all hell would break loose
between the two clubs. At least in Old City, I was tucked away with the upper
middle class everyday folk. Here, I’m indistinguishable in the crowd. There,
I’d be a walking target.
Those would have to be the last words I would say to Ryan.
Ryan. I repeated his name over and over again, until I drifted to sleep. Ryan.
* * *
She was calling my name, but I was staring at myself in
the mirror. I liked pink. And yellow. Yellow was a great bright color. I loved
my yellow backpack and my pink jacket. I looked cool, and I was ready to go.
“Coming Mom!”
I got to the top of the stairs, sat down, and slid the
rest of the way on my bottom. It was bouncy. And it was fun. She met me at the
bottom of the stairs. My Mom was really pretty. She was wearing a flower dress.
I would wear flower dresses when I grew up.
“Are you ready to go?” She asked.
“Yes I am. Where is Daddy?”
“Daddy’s not coming this time, Baby. This is just going
to be you and me.”
“Okay.” I nodded. Daddy went away a lot, so I wasn’t
surprised he wouldn’t be coming with us.
“I am just waiting for a friend. Why don’t you go in your
playroom, and I’ll come get you when I’m ready.”
“Sounds good, Mom!”
She laughed as I rounded into the kitchen and disappeared
into my playroom. It was time for dolls.
I heard a car pull up into the driveway. It must have
been Mommy’s friend. I was nosy, so I listened really hard.
“Thanks for coming.” I hear my mother say.
“You know I can’t be seen here.” I hear a man’s voice.
“I know, but this is the last time.”
“So you guys are finally ending this?”
“I’m taking Gracie and getting out of here. It’s all in
this note. Can you just make sure he gets it?”
“And what is he supposed to do after he reads it?”
“It’s all in there.”
“You fucking cunt, you want him to run away with you.”
“How dare you speak to me that way?”
“And you expect me to be okay with this? I stuck my neck
out for him. The only reason he joined the fucking club was for you. Do you
know what will happen when they find out he’s leaving? They’re going to kill
him, and me for that matter.”
“We won’t let that happen.”
The man sounded very angry. He started yelling.
“The hell you won’t! You rewrite this letter, and say
that you will never see him again.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Yes you can. You are ending this.”
“I love
Chris Stewart, Elizabeth Smart