Black Beauty

Read Black Beauty for Free Online

Book: Read Black Beauty for Free Online
Authors: Spike Milligan
person, in fact, was queer.
He was sure to go to the railway station just as the train was coming in, and
cabs and carriages, carts and omnibuses were all trying to get over the bridge
together; that bridge wouldn’t hold them all, for it was narrow, and many fell
off. And there was a very sharp turn up to the station, where it would not have
been at all difficult for people to run into each other; and so they did if
they did not look sharp and keep their wits about them.

15

THE OLD OSTLER
     
    My master wanted to visit friends forty-six miles away
    That would take all bloody day
    Next morning I was in harness, master took the rein
    We grabbed a little rest on the way there
    And we had to grab a little on the way back again
    Master drove fast and slow
    Then, to cap it all, it started to snow
    When we got back I was frozen of course
    And I thought, ‘bugger being a horse.’
     
    We were to visit some
friends who lived forty-six miles from our home. The first day we travelled
thirty-two miles; there were some long heavy hills, but James drove so
carefully and thoughtfully that we were not at all harassed. He never forgot to
put on the drag as we went downhill — he looked lovely in it and did not forget
to take it off at night. He kept our feet on the smoothest Part of the road,
and if the uphill was very long, he set the carriage wheels a little across the
road, so as not to run back, and gave us a breathing space. All these things
help a horse very much, particularly if there are kind words in the bargain
like ‘Lovely, lovely, good boy, nicely,’ etc.
    We stopped at the principal
hotel. Two ostlers came to take us out. The head ostler was a pleasant, active
little man with a crooked leg. He used to play hockey with it. The man
unbuckled the harness with a pat and a good word — ‘fish.’
    I never was cleaned so
lightly and quickly as by that little old man. When he had done, James stepped
up and felt me — it was lovely.
    ‘Give me the handling of a
horse for twenty minutes, and I will tell you what sort of groom he has had,’
said the crooked little ostler. So they gave him a horse, but after twenty
minutes he had to give up. ‘I’m sorry, I have no idea what kind of a groom he
had.’

16

THE FIRE
     
    Oh, one terrible dark night I suddenly awoke
    And the stable was full of the dreaded smoke
    I started to choke and perspire
    My arse had caught fire
    When we got outside it was amazing
    For the whole stable was blazing
    I was lucky, I nearly died
    Many were trapped who ended up fried
    They ended as a hamburger on a plate
    Oh, dearie me, what a terrible fate
     
    Later in the evening, a
traveller’s horse was brought in by the second ostler, and whilst he was
cleaning him, a young Wan with a pipe in his mouth lounged into the stable.
    ‘I say, Towler,’ said the
ostler, ‘just run up the ladder into the loft and put some hay down into this
horse’s rack, will you? Only lay down your pipe first.’
    ‘All right,’ said the
other, and went up through the trap door; I heard him step across the floor
overhead and Put down the hay. James came in to look at us the last thing, and
then shut the door behind him.
    I cannot say how long I
slept, nor what time in the night it was, but I woke up very uncomfortable,
though 1 hardly knew why. I got up. The air seemed all thick and choking. I
heard Ginger coughing and choking; I could see nothing, but the stable was very
full of smoke.
    I heard a soft rushing sort
of noise; I discovered it was coming out of me. And then I heard a low
crackling and snapping. I did not know what it was, but a horse doesn't! know
everything. A horse does not know that Leonidas and his Spartans held the pass
at Thermopylae against the Persian hordes.
    At last I heard steps, and
the ostler burst into the stable; it went all over the floor. He began to untie
the horses and tried to lead them out, but he seemed in such a hurry, and so
frightened himself, that he was in constant need of fresh

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