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would hurt the one person you loved the most in the world. I liked to think that I had more control of my emotions than most people because I was so intelligent, but emotions really did come from another place. Anger and jealousy could be more like viruses eating away at you until you did something you regretted.
    And I did.
    All the way up to Spindrift, Daddy watched me in the rearview mirror. I saw the sadness in his eyes, but I also saw him anticipating my doing or saying something to show my resistance and maybe cause another serious blowup between my stepmother and me. I knew he was tired of being a referee, and frankly, I was tired of it, too. I wanted out of this game as much as he did.
    I caught the hesitation and sadness in his eyes. At times along the way, I thought he was going to stop and turn around, even though I knew that if he didn’t go through with this, he’d surely end up in a divorce. Julie had been through a nasty divorce, so she was a veteran of the marital wars and might be quicker to pull the trigger. It was always easier to do something the second time, although even for Julie, it had to be terrible to face the fact that it was difficult for her to hold on to a relationship. I had yet to hold on to any, even a silly little high-school romance, but I knew what disappointment a failure like that could be. No matter what, deep inside, you’d always blame yourself. Surely there was one more thing you could have done, could have said, one more thing that would have saved the relationship.
    Although my father didn’t say it in so many words, it was obvious to me soon after he married Julie that he was sensitive to the possibility of her eventually wanting a divorce solely because of me. That would be so unfair to him. He was as good a father to her daughter, Allison, as he could be, maybe too good. The blame for any problem between my stepsister and me would always be on me, “because you know better.” Most of the time, he would say something like that to please Julie. I realized that was his sole reason and he didn’t always believe it. My father had a good poker face, except with me. He knew I could see through any mask he put on.
    He would be the first to admit that most things were not what they seemed to be. That was his business, after all, often putting lipstick on a pig. He had no false illusions about it. It was still a pig. Both of us pretended and put on an act for each other when he finally agreed with Julie that I should be sent somewhere far away .
    The night before we left for the school, he had come into my room while I was packing and stood silently for a few moments watching me. I knew he was there, but I ignored him. Finally, I paused, and we looked at each other. I saw how difficult this was for him.
    â€œWhat?” I asked softly.
    â€œThis is a really good idea, Mayfair. You need the challenge this school will give you,” he said. “You need the personal attention and the chance to go at your own pace.”
    â€œRight,” I said, even though both of us knew nothing had ever stopped me from going at my own pace and I always enjoyed personal attention when I needed it.
    â€œAnd as your guidance counselor, Mr. Martin, says, it will be good for you to be with students with abilities like yours. You’ll feel more comfortable, and you’ll have some competition. You’re the one who told me runners go faster when they have someone right on their heels.”
    â€œFine,” I said. “You’re right. I’m wasting my time here with these Yahoos.”
    â€œYahoos?” he said, smiling.
    â€œIn Gulliver’s Travels , remember? They were disgusting, stupid creatures that resembled human beings.”
    He stopped smiling. “I don’t like it when you’re so condescending, Mayfair. Don’t look down on people who aren’t as brilliant as you are. A little humility is important, especially now,”