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that I expected her to. It’s my last night in this house and she didn’t come to ask if I wanted dinner or to tuck me in. She doesn’t do those things anymore – I know that. But tonight it hurts. Tonight I could have used a mom. I wonder if she even realizes I’m leaving tomorrow. And that I’m never coming back.
    I’m in a state of half sleep when my phone chiming in my purse rouses me completely. I move to grab it and a pain sears through me. I turn the phone over and stare at Luca’s face as it flashes on the screen. I shouldn’t answer it. I know that. I sent him that stupid picture last night and he didn’t call me. I turned myself into this weak, stupid, mindless girl for him and I paid the price.
    I take a deep breath and hit “answer” because as much as I want to kill that stupid blonde girl, she’s still trying to exist for him. “Hey,” I manage to push the word out of my dry mouth.

Chapter Six - Luca
                 
    My first reaction, when I opened Jude’s picture was a big giant hard on. My second reaction was that I should delete it from my phone, immediately. This single picture could be my undoing. This was the picture I could lose myself to completely. This picture is the epitome of everything I love. Jude as her naked, vulnerable self. The Jude that I’ve always thought of as mine. I should have erased it, but I didn’t. I plugged my phone into my laptop and made sure that picture had a safe home.
    I’ve been trying to prepare myself- my mind, my heart, my body- for Jude’s arrival. If I knew I could keep her safe from me I would move her here; into this shoddy warehouse with me and the guys. I would lock us away in my room and let us fall into each other in every way possible. 
    She would be happy here. She would like Rake, Anthony and Miles. They would love her. In fact, they are already becoming protective of her as I try, in every fucked up way possible, to prepare for her.
    These last few months have been shit and I’m ashamed of the crap I’ve pulled trying to be a guy that Jude won’t want. That she will, in fact, hate.
    My lamest attempt was the night I decided that I would get involved with a blonde sorority girl in order to convince Jude that, not only was I a male whore, but that my type was very un-Jude. I got the girl all the way back to my apartment before I decided I couldn’t pull it off. The girl and Rake both declared me and asshole, and they were right.
    After that I said fuck it and decided to hand myself over to the hard drugs that I usually stayed away from because they always unearthed the monster living inside of me… which was the point – Jude would see who I really am. She wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me. Miles ended up with a broken arm, and Anthony and Rake told me to get my shit together or get the hell out.
    My last attempt was to be the good guy; the one who would only take care of her. Someone she would need but wouldn’t want. I cut my hair to a respectable length. I traded in my Dickies for a pair of tan pants. I took off my dirty t-shirt and replaced it with a button down. The metal came off my face. I stayed away from the bars. I stopped listening to music. I revisited my days of finding a way out of myself through the church. The guys sat back and watched – confused, slightly amused.
    It seemed like my best option but at night, on the phone with Jude, I couldn’t pretend to be that douche bag. I gave that shit up a few days ago. The only lasting memory of that guy is my short hair, my lack of face metal and the crucifix still hanging around my neck.
    I was just beginning to think that my efforts were pointless, that I should just let her know how this shit could very likely turn out and give her the option to choose me or not. But when I called her she was acting all distant and fake and when she hung up the phone without an “I love you”, I began to think that wasn’t necessary. It seemed like I was going to have