Jesse said.
"Great. Keep going. I'll just sit in for a while," Ms. Abramson told them. She crossed her arms-her I-lift-weights arms-over her knees and leaned forward,like she was expecting whatever Jesse and Rae had to say to be fascinating.
"I just told Rae that I was afraid of dogs-just big ones," Jesse said. "Now it's her turn."
Rae narrowed her eyes at him. Jesse's turn was in no way over. But Ms. Abramson had already turned her gaze-laser-beam intense-on Rae.
Say something, Rae ordered herself. Anything. But it was like someone had mopped out her brain with some of that industrial-strength disinfectant. There was nothing in there. "Um, what am I most afraid of?" Rae muttered, ignoring Jesse's amused snort.
"Not exactly a fun-or easy-thing to think about, I know," Ms. Abramson said, her brown eyes still locked on Rae's face. "Let's try it from a slightly different angle. What are you most afraid to lose?"
"My father," Rae blurted, the answer coming as a blast of emotion. "And An-and my… my friends," she added. She cringed inwardly, realizing she'd almost said Anthony-in front of Jesse. Who would of course report every word to Anthony. Jesse treated Anthony like a big brother.
Ms. Abramson leaned even closer to Rae, close enough that Rae could hear each breath Ms. Abramson took. Why was she breathing so fast? Shewas almost panting. "Anything else?" Ms. Abramson asked.
"Friends and family, that's the big stuff," Rae answered, flashing briefly on Yana. Their fight had left this jagged hole inside Rae, a hole that constantly ached, no matter what Rae was doing or thinking about. But I'm going to fix things with her, Rae promised herself.
Rae could feel Ms. Abramson's hot breath against her cheek. "Okay, and how would you be most afraid to die?"
Ms. Abramson asked, her voice low and intense.
"What?" Rae exclaimed, giving an involuntary jerk away, the legs of her metal chair squealing.
"Fear of death is probably the biggest fear any of us have," Ms. Abramson explained. "But what is the way that would most terrify you? A long, slow illness? Drowning? Fire?"
My body eating itself the way my mother's did, Rae thought. She couldn't bring herself to speak the fear aloud, although she knew Abramson would love it if Rae had scraped that deep. "Um, drowning would probably be in my top ten," Rae answered. "I don't know how to swim, and being in deep water freaks me out."
I wonder if Anthony and I will ever get back to our swimming lessons, Rae thought, rememberinghow it had felt to float in the water, his arms holding her up. The lessons had ended after Anthony found out that Rae had tracked down his father for him-and found Tony Fascinelli in prison. But Rae'd always thought they'd get back to them because when Anthony told you he was going to do something, he did it.
"What else would be on your top ten?" Ms. Abramson asked, inching her chair closer to Rae's.
God, does she have to sound so eager? "I-I don't know," Rae muttered. "Probably the same kinds of things anyone would say-fire, dis-" Her voice caught. "Disease, you know," she finished.
Ms. Abramson nodded, and Rae's muscles relaxed slightly. Hopefully all the deep sharing was finally done now.
It didn't seem like Ms. Abramson was ever going to let me out of there, Rae thought as she headed to the parking lot of the Oakvale Institute. Rae'd almost gotten through the group-therapy-room door when Ms. Abramson had pulled her back in and told her that the conversation about fears might bring about some nightmares and that Rae should feel free to call her if she needed to before the next session. Like that would happen. Well, the nightmare part might happen, but Rae didn't plan on calling Ms.Abramson if it did. These little group therapy sessions were bad enough.
Rae climbed into the passenger seat of her dad's Chevette and closed the door with a soft click. He hated it when people slammed his baby's doors.
"How'd it go today?" her father asked as he paper-clipped