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much joy in their
house, suddenly everything had changed in nine short months. Now, it seemed
there were only uncertainty, time, and the waiting game.
    Since Patrick did not function very well without sleep, Addie
assumed most of the nighttime caregiving, which was something she quickly found
herself incredibly resentful of. Even then, Patrick still found it difficult to
sleep well with all of the crying going on. His performance began lacking at work,
his drive diminished, and for that he, too, grew resentful. The seemingly
endless nights and days full of doctor’s appointments made for a lot of lost
time at work for Addie. During the eight weeks that Addie took maternity leave,
she could not wait to return to work. Instead of dreading each passing day as
so many of her friends had, knowing that she’d have to leave her baby when her
time was up, she silently counted the days until she got to return to work.
    She had a nanny lined up to start two weeks before her return so
that she and baby Connor could get acclimated to one another. But after two
short days of Connor’s endless crying, the nanny quit. Patrick came home from
work to find Connor screaming in his crib and Addie lying on the bathroom floor
sobbing. “What’s wrong, Addison? What are you doing in here?”
    Addie didn’t answer for a while. She remained quiet until Patrick
asked again. “The nanny quit.”
    Patrick frowned. “Ok?”
    “Ok? OK! That’s all you have to say? OK? Look Patrick, I’m
fucking exhausted. I mean I’m tired enough as it is. I can’t even put him down
for two seconds. Now, I have to go through the hiring process all over again, and
all you have to say is ok!”
    Patrick stood and walked to the door. “I’m going for a run.
Clearly, we should talk about this when you’re not so emotional.”
    Addie picked up the closest thing to her, a hairbrush, and hurled
it at the door, just as it slammed shut.
    Although she and Patrick barely spoke for the next few days, thankfully,
Addie was able to hire a second nanny with a week to spare before her return to
work. That nanny lasted all of that week until the Friday before her return to
work when nanny number two simply did not show up. Admittedly, she saw it
coming. Hell, she even empathized with the woman and wondered if she too could
just quit.

    In the end, Addie added a week to her maternity leave,
though it shortly became very clear that this week would need to become two.
Addie did finally hire an elderly nanny named Sue. Sue had raised more children
than she could count. Unfortunately, by the time Addie found herself back in
the office, many of her big projects had been handed off to her colleagues.
    Addie was a mess. Her life had become unrecognizable. She felt
like a shell of her former self. For one thing, she had lost a lot of weight.
All of the baby weight had gone and then some. Her appearance had become pale and
sickly, and her hair was falling out. She had trouble focusing; her mind was
cloudy. She often wondered if she might be suffering from postpartum depression;
although, it really didn’t matter one way or the other. Even if she were, she
would never admit it, not to herself and especially not to anyone else.
    The harder it became to hold it all together, the more Patrick
asked Addie to quit her job permanently. At first, the conversation occurred
weekly. Addie found herself not wanting to talk to her husband about the issues
she was facing or complain about the exhaustion because she knew what he would
say. Towards the end, it came up daily. “I just don’t understand, Addison. My
mom never worked, and I turned out pretty good, don’t ’cha think? It’s not like
we need the money. So what’s the big deal?”
    “The big deal is that I want to work. But most of all, I don’t
want to become your mother. So I’d appreciate it if you’d leave her out
of this.”
    Patrick crossed his arms. “What’s wrong with my mother?”
    “Nothing, Patrick. Nothing is