sabotaging herself. Don’t get me wrong—theboyfriend was an awesome guy. But I had a sense that Janelle and I shared a destiny.
The minute I met Janelle’s date, I said to Meri, “She’s getting in her own way. She doesn’t want to let herself have what she truly wants, so she’s dating another guy.” I’m not sure Meri quite understood what I was hinting at.
I couldn’t shake my spiritual awareness that Janelle and I would one day marry. I’m not sure exactly when this insight came to me—it wasn’t born out of the same conventionally romantic attraction I had to Meri. It was a different feeling entirely, one that had more to do with spirituality and intellectual compatibility romantic love. However, I couldn’t help notice that in addition to her first-rate mind, I found her extremely attractive.
Since I couldn’t shake the awareness that we would share a future, I was confounded by the fact that Janelle brought a date when she came to visit. I was certain that she was doing this to keep herself at a distance from me. In essence, I think she was testing both of our resolves.
Janelle
When I left Montana, I was inspired but confused. I was attracted to the fundamentalist Mormon religion and I was starting to think Kody might be the right person for me. For the first time, I allowed myself the luxury of admitting that I was interested in Kody. Not in a saccharine, gushy romantic way, but because he was emblematic of all the things that attracted me to his faith. But still, I was nervous. Converting to fundamentalism meant leaving my own faith. I needed time to think things through.
I wanted to do some self-exploration. I was only twenty-two, but already I’d been through a divorce. I wanted to get in touchwith my own spirituality and my own ideals before making any major decisions. I wanted to travel, to get away from familiar surroundings. Part of me wanted to buy a Jeep, get a dog, and drive off to Colorado and live in the mountains. Another part wanted to explore my interest in the Native American way of life, something that has fascinated me since I was a little girl.
I have always been involved with Native American culture on some level—whether through reading and studying, or through collecting art and artifacts. Many of my friends were involved in the mountain men movement. They participated in reenactments of historical mountain men rendezvous, including spending time living in primitive housing, including teepees. They also practiced many of the crafts, such as furniture making and handiwork, typical of the early 1800s. I decided it would be a good idea to spend some time living closer to nature, as Native Americans once had. I bought a teepee and quit my job, intending to camp in my teepee for as long as I could bear it.
Kody’s father had lots of open space on his ranch, and offered to let me camp on his land. By this time, he had married my mother. I knew that if I got too cold in the teepee, I could retreat to a warm house where my mother would be waiting.
I got to Wyoming in November. Cold weather had settled in a while back. And the temperatures in Wyoming are biting and unbearable. Despite this, I was determined. It was below freezing when I got my camp set up. I didn’t last a single night. It was so cold that after only a few hours I was back in the house.
I had quit my job in Utah, so I was free to travel up to Wyoming as much as I wanted. Kody’s father is a patriarchal man, in the sense that he feels it is his duty and responsibility to look after the people in his family orbit. I was one of these people. He took me under his wing and made it clear that it was his intention to find me a guy. Winn’s plan was to convince me to settle on Kody’s brother. But I had other ideas.
When I was growing up there was an incredibly cool father in my neighborhood. Perhaps because my stepfather was so distant, I took notice of how closely this man connected to his kids. He was a