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frankly I don’t see why Jenny is so down on him all the time. But I try not to think about that too much. Anyway, Nathan invited me to go to the aftergame dance with him tonight, and Mom said it was okay! Fortunately, Dad wasn’t around when I asked (he seems to be gone more and more—handy for me right now, but I think it’s bugging my mom, and Benjamin is acting like a total brat boy!) but so much for the home front.
    So anyway, Nathan and I went to the dance together. And I guess you’d say it was my first official date (I mean I’ve done stuff with guys and girls in youth group) but this was the first time it was just me and a boy alone in a car and going someplace together. And it was pretty fun.
    Nathan has medium brown hair and kind of hazel eyes. He’s tall (six-foot-three to be exact) and he has this really great laugh (kind of deep, but sweet). It was nice being around other kids at the dance; it kind of took the pressure off of having to be such a great conversationalist. And we mixed it up a little too (dancing with other kids) and I even got to dance twice with Josh. Dreamy. But that’s all I’ll say about that!
    Nathan is really nice, and unlike some of the kids, he didn’t sneak any alcohol into the dance. A relief when it came time for him to take me home. And despite my dad’s assumption that high school boys only want one thing, Nathan acted like a perfect gentleman. Although he did kiss me good-night in the car (a relief that he didn’t try it at the front door, just in case my dad was watching). But anyway, let me say this (it wasn’t my first kiss or anything—that happened back at a spin-the-bottle game at middle school church camp): this wasn’t a really great kiss. It was more like a quick peck, and I certainly didn’t feel any fireworks or anything earthshaking. So, I just said good-night and got out of the car and quickly went into the house (I was kind of glad Nathan didn’t walk me to the door). And thankfully my parents weren’t lurking around and I just zipped straight upstairs to my room.
    But now I’m wondering, was it my fault that it wasn’t a good kiss? Was it because I kept thinking about Josh the whole time? Anyway, I guess the right thing would be to just nicely break things off with Nathan. Suddenly, Idon’t feel like I want to go out on any more dates right now.
    Well, okay, maybe if it was with Josh, I might consider it. (Okay, I’d totally leap at the chance!) But he and Jenny seemed happier than ever with each other tonight, so I’m sure I’ll never get a chance with him. I guess I should just enjoy being his friend—not every girl gets that opportunity!

FIVE
February 6, Tuesday (users and losers)
    It’s just four days until the Valentine’s Day dance and now Jenny and I, and several other (totally hopeless nerd-type) honor society kids will have to work like crazy to get all the decorations made in time. Surprisingly enough (since I’ve been acting sort of chilly) Nathan is still talking to me, and has even called me at home a couple of times, and I keep telling myself that we’re nothing more than friends, although I strongly suspect he thinks there’s something more going on (or that there will be before long). I guess maybe I should’ve broken it off sooner, but I just never had the right opportunity, and I have to admit this whole guy-girl thing is still sort of new to me.
    Fortunately, Nathan has so much basketball practice during the week (and a game tonight which I’m not going to—thanks to my grades dropping sort of unexpectedly this last semester and now my dad’s all over me like a bad case of zits). There really hasn’t been all that much spare time for me to spend with Nathan (not thatI’ve really wanted to). So I guess I’m just sort of going along with everything right now (like everyone assuming that we’re a couple).
    But let me be totally honest about this—you see, I really do want to go to the Valentine’s Dance (and I