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them. “Go shopping or something.”
    “You are cheating on me and you th ink retail therapy will make me feel better.”
    Well wife, my cock has never made you feel better . I only have money, my asshole personality and my cock. Pick a fucking option, A, B or cock. “I don’t know what will make you feel better. I know I would feel better making money and doing my job.”
    “Do you spend money on her?”
    Geez Louise, I decided to ignore that question as well.
    “Where are the kids?” Great, she asks a question that I can answer.
    “Hannah and Matt are at school. Karen dropped them off this morning and Tim is with her now. You can call Karen and talk to her about the kids.”
    “When will they be back?”
    “I don’t know.” Does it matter ? Karen is doing us a favor. Her youngest is sixteen she is not trying to kidnap our kids.
    Stop it! Mason, stop! Why are you being so hostile to her? She hasn’ t done anything. She is still your wife. Be nice, treat her with respect, not contempt. Now repeat that shit over and over in your head and write my new mantra one hundred times on the chalkboard. I cracked a smile but made sure to hide it from Tess.
    I grabbed some clothes out the closet and went into the bathroom to change. I made sure to take my cell with me. I didn’t need any more dramatics. I surely didn’t need any more remote controls thrown at my head.
    I always changed in front of Tess but for some reason I felt strange about it. That’s precisely why I’m in the bathroom changing. I know Tess doesn’t desire me. Maybe I always knew it but I never actually admitted it to myself. I was too arrogant to think she didn’t want me, my cock or my sex. Now I have acknowledged it. I have accepted it. But it feels weird to be naked near her now. I’m truly going crazy. I need to get my ass out of this house. I need to bury myself in my work, the only thing I can’t fuck up.
    When I was fully dressed I exited the bathroom. I left all yesterday’s clothes in the hamper in the bathroom. I went to the dresser for my car keys. They weren’t there. I immediately knew she took them. Why me? Why me? Why fucking shit balls me? I should just shoot myself in the head now and get it over with. All I want to do is go to work.
    I had such a good time with Kari last night and now I’m miserable all over again. I turned my body around from the dresser to face my klepto wife.
    “Tess can I get my car keys?” Pleaseeeeeeeee.
    “What keys?”
    The one’s you took off this fucking dresser drawer. “My car keys.”
    “I haven’t seen your car keys.”
    Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Am I on Punk’d ? This could not be my life. This childish immature bullshit is my fucking life.
    “Tess, give me my keys.”
    “I don’t have your goddamn keys!”
    “Okay, I am going downstairs to make me a cup of coffee. ” I deeply inhaled and exhaled. “I’m really calm right now. When I return to this room I expect my motherfucking car keys to be on top of this goddamn dresser.” I pointed to the exact place. “I know they will be here when I return. I know you don’t want me to choke the life from your body. Don’t make me Drew Peterson you. Our kids would miss you. Your family would want to have a body to bury.”
    Did I just say that? Yeah I did. Tess ’ eyes were on my eyes. She was scared shitless. It was over the top to throw former Bolingcreek resident Drew Peterson into the conversation but she had to know I meant business. Wives disappear all the time. You don’t have to be a cop to make that shit happen.
    Tess looked like she peed her pants right there on the spot. She looked like a frightened cat. I was talking bullshit. I would never kill my wife. I would never kill a woman, any woman. But I sure would threaten my wife. I guess I just did.
    “Tess don’t fuck with me.” I wish we could be civilized about this but I’m sure that’s a fantasy.
    I made a hasty dash from the bedroom. I was in the kitchen faster than fast.