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heads.
    “Jimmy, I need to see your driver’s license. I have a feeling we’re going to have to admit you as a patient in the emergency room so that we can make sure you’re not having any side effects as well.” Ellen retrieves the plastic card he holds out to her. My best friend has ulterior motives—getting-this-kid’s-parents’-telephone-number kind of motives.
    “Thank you for not calling our parents.”
    “Oh we’re calling your parents!” My voice echoes inside the small room.
    “Yeah, we have to call your parents. Both of you are under the age of eighteen,” Ellen agrees. She makes a quick phone call out to the front desk and speaks with the Triage desk secretary. She provides Malory with all of the information to make the necessary phone calls.
    “But you promised!” Jimmy yells in anger. He holds both of his hands in the air in frustration, consequently dropping his coveted throw pillow.
    Holy boner-time.
    I can’t help myself; my eyes go straight to his crotch. His teenage dick is at full mast and I could use it to hang my stethoscope. I’d like to see the person whose eyes aren’t drawn to this kid’s tented pants. This isn’t a subtle erection. This is a full-on, hard-as-a-rock, the-clock-has-struck-midnight, give-me-a-standing-ovation, everyone-come-look-at-my-cock kind of erection.
    And right on cue, Dr. Simon strides through the curtains. His face is focused on the chart in his hands, but I can only imagine the shit that will spew from his mouth once he takes a gander at this kid’s flesh rocket. NASA could do studies on Jimmy’s cock’s ability to defy gravity.
    “What do we have here?” The ER physician finally brings his eyes to focus on the patient lying the bed.
    I update him quickly as he does an expeditious assessment on the young girl. “Dr. Simon, we have quite the interesting scenario. This is Mary. She and her boyfriend, Jimmy, decided to take Viagra tonight. Four little blue pills each, to be exact. Mary must have passed out several times at home before she arrived in the ER. Her initial systolic pressures were in the seventies, but we’ve managed to get her stabilized with fluids, an ammonia stick, and position changes. She’s doing better now. Last pressure we obtained was 105/78.”
    “Okay, well I’d agree she’s doing much better. Everything looks good. Let’s go ahead and give another three hundred milliliter bolus of Normal Saline just to be safe.” He turns for the door.
    “That’s not it!” I command loudly to draw his attention.
    Dr. Simon turns around and gives me an irritated stare.
    “This young man also seems to have a little bit of a problem from the high dosage of Viagra he consumed.” I gesture in Jimmy’s direction. He now has the throw pillow back over his tented pants and is awkwardly leaning against the wall. His face is flushed and his mouth is scrunched into an uncomfortable expression.
    “Drop the pillow,” Ellen instructs.
    And like any good Boy Scout with a raging mega-huge boner, he drops the pillow to the floor.
    “Y-young man, how long have you… BIG FAT PIG PUSSIES… have you had this erection?” Dr. Simon’s eyes are as wide as saucers and his infamous nervous Tourette’s is beginning to make its appearance. See, Dr. Simon is known for this little nervous habit. The habit that causes him to yell out sexually explicit comments in high-stress and/or highly uncomfortable situations. Apparently, large boners make him uncomfortable.
    Jimmy’s jaw drops. Yeah, mine would too if I’d heard a doctor yelling about pig pussies for the first time.
    “About two hours now,” Mary chimes in. She can tell her boyfriend is also a little out of sorts.
    Good call, Viagra Mary.
    Ellen and I lean against the back wall, enjoying the ambiance that is Dr. Simon and his inappropriate Tourette’s.
    “Young man, we need to get you… BIGFOOT BALL SACS! ” He clears his throat, nervously attempting to gain some composure. “You need…