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and notice that she’s pale with a deer-in-headlights look. Fantastic.
    “Do you have an ammonia stick on you?” I voice loud enough to immediately grab Ellen’s attention.
    “Sure do.” She grabs the ammonia stick from her pocket, cracks it open, and waves it underneath the patient’s nose.
    “That’s awful!” Mary screams and starts to thrash around in the bed.
    “Stop!” I shout in her direction. “Do not move an inch or else I’ll have to stick you with the needle again.” I give her a warning stare. Seriously, I get that those ammonia sticks smell like shit, but I refuse to start another IV because this teenager can’t keep her ass still for two god damn minutes.
    Once we get the IV fluids flowing into her vein, I investigate further into this very peculiar situation. I mean, the boyfriend is still standing in the corner with a throw pillow held securely in front of his pants. This is entirely weird.
    “Since you’re both minors, I’m going to have to call your parents. We managed to get Mary’s parents’ telephone number from her files. Jimmy, I’m going to need your parents’ number.”
    “Uh, no! No way! You cannot call our parents!” Jimmy starts to get upset and begins to pace inside the small confines of the ER room. I should add that the pillow is still firmly in place and he’s walking with a slight limp to his gait. This kid is grimacing and looks to be in some sort of discomfort.
    “W-what he means…is that our parents are out of town. They’re on vacation,” Mary adds with a panic tone to her voice.
    Was I this big of an idiot when I was a teenager?
    Ellen gives me a knowing smile as I continue my investigation. “Okay, you two obviously think I’m some sort of moron. Why don’t you go ahead and tell me what ‘medication’ you took tonight?” I use air quotes to get my point across.
    “We’ll only tell if you promise not to call our parents.” The young girl’s eyes are wide, uncertainty and fear plastered on her face.
    “Okay,” I answer. Yeah, I’m not making any promises because I’m calling their parents no matter what. Legally, I have to call their parents.
    “We took some of Jimmy’s dad’s pills. We just wanted to try them out, see if they really worked.” Mary nervously runs her hands along the stark white sheet that is lying across her legs.
    “What pills?” Ellen inquires curiously. Yeah, I’m fucking curious too. What in the hell did these kids take? My first guess was Ecstasy or Percocet, but now I’m not so sure.
    “Viagra,” Jimmy mumbles under his breath.
    Viagra?
    The little blue pill for erectile dysfunction?
    “Well I guess that explains the throw pillow. So you two just decided to get all hopped up on Viagra tonight so you could bang like little teenage bunnies? As if your bodies aren’t filled with enough hormones! Dear god, what is this generation coming to? I c—”
    Ellen abruptly cuts in. “Amy! That’s enough.” She gives the look. Yes, the look that says that I’m being unprofessional.
    I couldn’t give two shits about being professional in front of these two kids. They are seventeen years old and going on Viagra benders! I’m pretty sure the teenage pregnancy rate is high enough these days!
    “So you each took a Viagra around what time?” Ellen takes over the probing. Apparently, I’m not professional enough for her liking.
    “We took four Viagra about two hours ago,” the young girl answers hesitantly.
    “So you each took two Viagra?” Ellen questions with a raise of her eyebrow.
    “I took four and Mary took four,” the idiot with the throw pillow plastered to his lap replies.
    “You took four each! What the fu—”
    And again, I’m cut off by Ellen before I can even finish what I was saying. “You put yourselves in a very dangerous situation by not only taking a medication that was not prescribed for you, but by also ingesting four times the recommended dose.”
    Both of the adolescent asshats nod their